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Somehow, I find the idea of being used as seasoning less horrifying than being a main course.

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HEY! Me and Kelly are doing an AMA right now!

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Also, every time you eat a slice of cake or smoke a cigarette, Death takes a big jump forward!

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Hey geeks! Me and Kelly are going to be in NYC soon at The Strand, then later at Caveat. These are ticketed events, so you need to buy soon if you want to lock in a spot. We'll be signing books and telling nerd jokes!

To Be Read By Rod Serling

Oct. 20th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

Deedeedeedeeedeedeedeedee

You unlock this bakery with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension.

A dimension of icing.

A dimension of piping bags.

A dimension of wreckitude.

You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of bad taste and even worse skill. You just crossed over into...

The Twilight Zone.


BUM BUM BAAAAAHHHH...

 Picture, if you will... a monkey. This monkey:

I know, creepy right? [shivering] Brrrrrr. Totally.

 

[resuming serious announcer voice] Ahem. Now picture, if you will, five ravenous-yet-dim-witted Shih Tzu dogs:

[sternly] Let's call them Muffy, Boopsie, Precious, Buttercup and Mr. Snuggles.

 

Now picture, if you will, a face of terror that watches in malignant silence far beyond your present capacity to understand. A face enigmatically bizarre in terms of time and space. A face...

...of a tweety bird.

 

 Now picture, if you will, Meerkat Zombies...raising the roof.


"What up, playah?"

 

This is the stuff of fantasy, the thread of imagination, the ingredients... of the Twilight Zone.

 BUM BUM BAAAAAHHHHH... SQUEEDLEDEEEE!!!


Jennifer P., Matt N., Christine S., and Melanie L., picture, if you will... a dolphin eating a Snickers bar in flip-flops and a cardigan. Then tell me what that looks like. I've always wondered.

 

Note: A couple of people suggested the pictures should be in black and white which was an awesome idea. So we changed them. I think it adds to the ambiance, don't you? For those who really want to see the full color versions, click here.

UPDATE! LeAnna and Woobie took up the dolphin challenge and sent in their ideas.

 

First LeAnna's:
AWESOME! Check out the flip flop thongs on his flippers.

 

And next we have Woobie's
See, the snickers bar is wearing the cardigan and flip flops because I apparently have no grasp of sentence structure. ?thought Who would have

Touché!

 

One more!
This one's from Vanilla Smoke. Awesome!

 

*****

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If this looks familiar it's because yesterday I uploaded it with a typo, in which the dad was offering to taste the kid's sore throat. That may literally be the creepiest typo in the history of typoes.

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Hey New York! We're coming to you next week. The events are ticketed and relatively small, so grab one whilst available!

This Is Halloween. (No, Really.)

Oct. 19th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

Greetings, bakers! This handy guide will demonstrate how easy it is to turn your bakery's plain stock cakes into fabulously frightening Halloween designs.

Ready?

Then let's get started!

First, nothing says "Halloween!" like a sprinkling of candy corn:

So easy, the deli guy can do it!

 

 

Or, October is the perfect month to stretch your product's shelf life. When the icing cracks and the colors fade, just add a spiderweb!
See? Now you meant to do that!

 

 

And why not take this opportunity to "customize" your scones?

"That'll be $1.20 extra for our 'tomb scone specials.'"

 

 

Or, since studies* have shown that customers prefer plastic over pastry nearly 37 to 1, far better to reach for your trusty Flotsam Bugs®!

* We asked our marketing team.

Suddenly, Stanley felt the tide of power turning...

 

 

Flotsam Bugs® are grrreat for turning any design into a Halloween one. Can your bakers only make roses? Nooo problem. Just add a Flotsam Bug®, and poof!

Now that's one scary Halloween flower!

 

Or, how about turning a birthday present into a Halloween birthday present?

Spine-chilling, isn't it?

 

 

But let's say you have character cakes already decorated with an assortment of flotsam. What then?

Why, just pipe a few ghosts on, silly!

 

Hm? What's that? How do you pipe ghosts?

Uh...

Ever see a cactus?

 Perfect!

 

And finally, what about all those doggy cupcakes you're required to pump out by the pound? Well, a little Flotsam will soon have you seeing eye-to-eye with your customers!

[chortle]

 

Or, if you want to go the extra mile, give Patches some patches!

Good dog that's awful.

I mean, uh, look how cute!


And remember, bakers, once Halloween is over it's easy to convert your cakes back, too:

"Aw, Suzy, don't cry! It's just a sweet little kitty cat! See? He's smiling at you!"

 

Thanks to Wreckporters Katrina S., Kristin S., Holly Q., Emily A., Sara F., Megan G., Jess & Connor W., Bettie P., Stacey K., & Kristen, who know that a party hat makes everything better.

 

*****

Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.

[syndicated profile] cakewrecks_feed

Posted by Jen

Some couples look for a sign that their marriage will last.

 

 This isn't it.



Thanks to Ruth H. for the initial discomfort.

 

Note from john: For those you you who may not know, usually "DOA" stands for "Dead On Arrival."  Less common meanings are "Dead Or Alive", "Date Of Arrest" and the ever-popular, "Darkener Of Apricot."

*****

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Piled Higher & Deeper by Jorge Cham
www.phdcomics.com
Click on the title below to read the comic
title: "Confusing Malaise" - originally published 10/16/2017

For the latest news in PHD Comics, CLICK HERE!

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Later it turns it he was talking to Satan. But, it's okay because he has gold.

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Dear sweet lord it's pub day. God help us.

Killer Thrillers (HEEhee!)

Oct. 17th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

[howling wind]
[howling dog]
[howling wind and dog together]
[plus a sprinkling of light rattling chains]

Darkness falls across the land...

Oh. Ok.

[ahem]

 

The fowl-est stench is in the air...

"Quack."

 

The FUNK of forty thousand years!

Give or take an eon.

 

And Grizzly ghouls from EVERY tomb...

Rawr.

 

Are closing in...to seal your DOOM.

Patriotically.

 

And though you fight to stay alive...

"Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. I'm missin'myarm, and whereismyface?"

 

Your body starts to SHIVER.

...me timbers!

(Or maybe that's Orlando Bloom. Hm? LADIES?)

 

For no MERE MORTAL can resist...

Baby Cthulhu!

Or...

... David Caruso riding a unicorn under a double rainbow!

The EVIL...

(Oh. Or that)

...of...

THE GRILLER.

MUAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHA!

AHA...

Wait.

Is that supposed to be steak?

Ew.


Thanks to Melinda M., Sarah C., Natasha, Nell H., John M., Rebecca J., Carrie, Robin L., Wolfie, and P. Humperdink for saving us from having to find a cake for "y'alls neighborhood."

*****

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Posted by Matt Novak

Technology experts have been insisting for over a century that when the robot revolution finally succeeds, everyone will have a life of abundant wealth and leisure. That hasn’t been the case. But it hasn’t stopped plenty of people from still insisting that it will happen, even here in the year 2017.

Read more...

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If he were more sensible, he'd realize people who disagree with him are actually just possessed by the devil.

New comic!
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Welp, that's the end of book preorders for Soonish. We've laid it all on the line for this one. I sincerely hope you enjoy it.

Life With Jen

Oct. 16th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks to Laura R., Jessica D., & Robin S. for helping us divide this readership into "the confused" and the "not-going-to-admit-why-they're-laughing."

*****

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I hope no ever measures how many micromurders each of my actions commits.

New comic!
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Tomorrow night I fly off for Seattle, and the beginning of the Soonish tour! See you soon(ish), geeks!

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