Unrelated

[sabinetzin]

There's got to be an XMFC story where Erik teaches Charles Krav Maga, right? Come the fuck on, fandom. I know the timeline's not right, but that's why the good Lord made AUs. But all my searching, she has been for naught. My tiny hoplologist heart, she breaks.

I don't care how it happens. Maybe it's a modern AU, and Charles is teaching Intro to Hoplology or Israel Since Independence or something, and Erik comes to do a demonstration for his students, and Charles is all "Oh my," and starts taking his class and then they have a bunch of ~feelings~. Or maybe it's historical. Or maybe Charles just thinks it's sexy. LOOK AT ALL THE FUCKS I GIVE.

I'm not even finding any good Erik-as-Mossad stories that aren't crossovers and/or don't look like a train wreck. These things could not be more obvious, people, not even if you tried.

YOU'RE KILLIN' ME, SMALLS.

(You cannot imagine how much I would love to be proven wrong. So please do.)

ETA: And I can't write it myself because I only have this one line:

"Will you be needing any more room than this?" Xavier asks, and he looks nervous. "Because, really, we can arrange that, but it's critical that you tell me beforehand. Naginatajutsu didn't go well, you understand, and I've been told that I will have to pay for the next projector out of pocket, so you see why I'm concerned."

Comments

[cesare]

You know what I'm going to quote, here, right? Because I hafta.

Sterling Archer: "Karate? The Dane Cook of martial arts? No, ISIS agents use Krav Maga."

So of course now I'm thinking Erik Lehnsherr, ISIS agent. I mean, there it is.

[sabinetzin]

Ahahaha, I was just talking about that scene to Lizzy.

Oh my god, Erik Lehnsherr, ISIS agent. Because Charles is the Archer to his Lana, you understand, because Erik is trying to get shit done and Charles is trying to sort his turtlenecks by degree of blackness.

Oh god, all the reasons I/you/we can't write this are all the reasons I/you/we should write this.

(I think I just made Raven Cyril? And now my head hurts.

Wait, or maybe Erik is Archer, Charles is Cyril, and Raven is Lana, if Erik is teaching Charles Krav Maga and OKAY I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE, TURTLES ALL THE WAY DOWN)

[cesare]

Hmmm. I don't think anyone maps onto anyone very well in an XMFC-Archer fusion... if anything, taking the bulk of canon into account with Xavier pulling strings behind the scenes for the most part, Charles would kinda be Mallory (don't think about that too hard, your brain will kill itself screaming.)

MOVING ON, I think it would work best with Erik, Charles and Raven & co. in the zany spy world of Archer. They're really only one step-ball-kick-change away from it in First Class already.

Is that how you get ants, Erik? Yes it is, other Erik.

[sabinetzin]

You know, for all of it, I can totally see Charles as Malory. I can perfectly see him knocking back cocktails and sexing up heads of rival organizations. It leaves a lot of room for the rest of them to walk in and out of his office going "what is this, i don't even."

Perhaps they should even be in competition with ISIS and ODIN. Something with an X. And ISIS and ODIN alternately hate and try to poach from them, because they're all-mutant, and Erik often, OFTEN threatens to leave and join one of them. But there's got to be some kind of treaty or detente about Charles, because I feel like it's the spy game more than the spy business, and letting Charles be a field agent is just unsporting.

(The next stop, in this train of thought, so you know, is Malory relentlessly chasing after Charles, head of X-whatever. Malory Archer leaves no stone unturned, if you follow me.)

Re: Is that how you get ants, Erik? Yes it is, other Erik.

[cesare]

I can perfectly see him knocking back cocktails and sexing up heads of rival organizations.

Okay, when you put it that way. And not the Mallory-Archer incestuous Oedipal stuff going on between him and Erik. (That's reserved for Charles and Raven.)

there's got to be some kind of treaty or detente about Charles, because I feel like it's the spy game more than the spy business, and letting Charles be a field agent is just unsporting.

"Look, if you come along, they just bring out Frost to keep you busy, or else everybody puts on their dorky helmets and we're back to square one except with hat hair. Use your mojo where it counts: get us more funding."

The next stop, in this train of thought, so you know, is Malory relentlessly chasing after Charles, head of X-whatever.

Ahahha. Yeah. Erik and Archer both reacting with abject horror.

XELAS is the only short deity name I could find that starts with an X...

Okay I am REALLY going to bed

[sabinetzin]

I'm loving the image of Archer with helmet hair, I really am. Because I think he'd just shout "LET HIM READ MY THOUGHTS, I DON'T CARE" and try to think really hard about naked women and cigarettes.

All I've got is XOCOTL or XOLOTL (and possibly XIPE), both of which are two syllables, and that breaks up the European theme. Though it does open the door for people yelling at Charles for picking a code name nobody could pronounce.

And then somehow this fell out of my brain, because it's critical to remember that everyone is doing everyone in the world of Archer:

"Let me remind you that we encourage you to report solicitation from other agencies, as it may be critical to future plans and ongoing counterintelligence monitoring," Charles says crisply, reading from his list of agenda items. "Sean has been good enough to notify us of his offer of a position from ISIS." He frowns. "Unlike some people around here, who don't seem to have a problem getting," he clears his throat, "very close to ISIS."

Before Erik can open his mouth to defend himself, Raven snaps, "Oh, come on, that was one time, and it wasn't even like-" She stops, looking around at them. "That Erik did that. It was one time that Erik did that."

"Well," Charles says, pursing his lips. "This has been an enlightening meeting."

Re: Okay I am REALLY going to bed

[cesare]

I'm loving the image of Archer with helmet hair, I really am. Because I think he'd just shout "LET HIM READ MY THOUGHTS, I DON'T CARE"

Oh, god, yes, totally true.

So if Charles has the Mallory job and Erik is, like Archer, their top spy, then Erik inevitably gets sent out on missions to recover Charles's sex tapes. I mean... that happens.

Charles: You should probably watch it once you have it. Make sure they've given you the right disk. It's crucial that we recover that video.

Raven: Please, like there aren't a dozen just like it on Xtube.

[sabinetzin]

Cue like an hour of Erik, Charles, and Raven on Xtube:

Charles: "Charles Xavier" has two hundred hits?!

Raven: Stop acting like you're surprised, unless you expected it to be more.

Charles: Alright, now that one's not even me. You've got to give you that.

(Two videos later)

Erik: I have to say that I'm surprised by your flexibility.

Charles: I honestly don't know if I should feel complimented, given the context.

(Another two videos)

Charles: Well, that one was just a misunderstanding.

Raven: Did you trip and fall? For, let me see, twenty-nine and a half minutes?

(Two more videos)

Raven: YOU SAID THERE WAS NO FILM IN THAT CAMERA

Erik: YOU PROMISED, CHARLES

(Sean pokes his head in)

Sean: Hey, guys, we need your opinion on the-

Raven: NOT NOW, BANSHEE, THE BIG KIDS ARE TALKING

Charles: You know, it is past noon and none of us has eaten? Why don't we get Chinese, my treat.

Raven: Oh, we know all about your treat.

[cesare]

Raven: YOU SAID THERE WAS NO FILM IN THAT CAMERA

Erik: YOU PROMISED, CHARLES

*dies so very much* XD

[sabinetzin]

Also, all I can think of is Erik and Archer busting in to save Charles and Malory from some Soviet threat, or being locked in an elevator, or something, and they are, of course, naked on the floor next to an empty bottle of gin, because that is, essentially, how they roll.

Charles: Er, this really isn't-

Malory: Oh, shut up, Xavier, this is exactly what it looks like.

Archer: Wait, I had something for this, and I hoped I would never have to use it.