Masochism, etc
May. 2nd, 2011 11:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sabinetzin[DW only]
So about a year ago for 3 Weeks for DW, I wrote a post about submission and my interactions with it. In it, I sort of glossed over masochism, which is a subject that bears closer examination.
So, I'm a masochist. I knew I was submissive fairly early on, but being masochistic is something I only figured out when I really started playing. In the years since then, I've explored it pretty thoroughly, though mostly on my own. As these things go, I'm something of a heavy masochist; there's nothing I like better than a good pair of clover clamps or a nice hard pinch. So I thought I'd talk a little about what it's like, how to write it, and why it's not like you might think.
What Can Pain Do For You?
It's really hard to explain the experience of pain to someone who's not a masochist or sadist, because it is so personal and so.. physical, for lack of a better word. It's inherently embodied, and that can be hard to express. So here's the thing: pain hurts. Pain hurts some people more than others, and it makes some people feel better than others. We masochists still feel hurt by pain, but it also makes us feel good. That's the whole ball of wax right there; it is just as simple and as deeply complicated as that.
For your average garden variety masochist, pain isn't just a physical sensation; it's also a vehicle. Pain can get you where you want to go, whether that's towards orgasm or towards endorphins or towards a general sense of fulfillment- and possibly all three. Some people also get off not just on enjoying pain, but on enduring pain; it can be very heady to think that you've beaten or controlled something so primal. For me, it's not one or the other- I enjoy the pain, but I also push myself to take as much as possible, to see how much I can take.
So that's masochism, in a nutshell, and that's all, really. It sounds big and scary, but it really isn't; it's only as dangerous or as frightening as you make it.
Common Misconceptions
1. All masochists get off on all kinds of pain.
Trust me, there's good pain and bad pain, most definitely. I've been in some truly painful situations, broken bones and the like, and the only good thing about them is that they're over. Even in the context of play, there's good and bad pain. The difference between good and bad isn't a matter of degree, either, because different masochists like different things- some people who love impact play will jump three feet if you pinch them. The line between good and bad can be very fuzzy and hard to articulate, but when you've crossed it, you know.
For me, at least, my willingness to put up with the bad kind of pain is pretty low. You can flog me all night, but I will bitch and moan over a hangnail. I don't imagine most masochists are much different in this respect; like so much of BDSM, masochism is partially about control, and the uncontrollable kinds of pain really suck.
2. Masochists don't feel pain.
I feel like this is a misconception that runs pretty deep, even among non-sadistic people who know and play with masochists. The thing is, most people just don't want to hurt another human being. The logic goes, well, if they like this, then it doesn't really hurt, then I'm not doing anything bad.
Well, sorry, but as I've said, pain hurts. If I come up to you and pinch you on the arm, the sensation that you feel is not different from what I experience if you pinch me. It's what happens next that makes us different; something makes me want more. I can't really explain why- trust me, I tried, but Medline was no help- but that's how it is. I don't like it despite the pain; I like it for the pain.
That isn't to say that masochists don't have or can't develop higher pain tolerances. In fact, you can be a masochist with any kind of pain tolerance- one man's ceiling is another man's floor, so to speak. Pain endurance also increases the more you endure pain; when you're playing on a regular basis, you can take more. I love love love my clover clamps, but I have to have been playing fairly frequently to even wear them. Pain tolerance also goes up during sexual arousal, which affects things.
Writing (for) Masochists
In general, I wish more people wrote more S&M. The good painplay stories I can think of are few and far between. The stuff that does get written, which is usually in the context of D/s stories, is generally pretty light. There's also a lot of potential for creativity in painplay that doesn't get realized in fic, when it really should. There is life beyond floggers and spanking, and even within floggers and spanking there is a huge diversity of options. And then there's zippers and wheels and gloves and who knows what else? If you can think of it, people probably get off on it; a lot of kinksters spend almost nothing on their toys, bypassing expensive equipment for pervertibles, commonly available items that can be used for kinky purposes. That's not even considering all the historical and/or science fictiony objects that did or could exist. Explore!
Also, here is a piece of porn writing advice that I give to you for free: be sexy, not specific. This works for physical attributes like bust or penis size, but it also works for things like number of strokes in a paddling scene, etc. When you give a strict count on something, you divide your audience- some of them will be terrified, some of them will be pleased, and some of them will be disappointed. Unless you know exactly what you're talking about and exactly the effect you want to have, there's no good reason to pin things down. Even if you're having a character count off, you don't have to detail how far up xie counted. Leave it to the imagination- where somebody's plugging in thirty strokes, somebody else is plugging in a hundred, and everybody has a satisfying experience.
Your joke about plugging here.
Mailbag
I've only just brushed the surface of what masochism means to me and how it sort of works, so I welcome your questions!
Here's one to get us started- a reader writes:
Here's one I wonder about. I'm a masochist and a sub, my lover is a sadist and a top, so convenient that!, and both of us like very spicy food. This is crazy, right, and I don't know enough kinky people in rl to even have a hypothesis, but it kind of makes intuitive sense to me that people who enjoy especially intense sensations in one realm might be prone to like them in another. Do you like spicy food? Does your partner, if you have one?
Of course, maybe the whole thing is shot to hell by the fact that I hate roller coasters.
I'm not partnered, but I love spicy food. The condiment that runs out the fastest in my house is the red pepper flakes; I have four kinds of pepper sauce open in my fridge right now. It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that sting, really.
I don't doubt that it could be related. Some masochists, in fact, talk of what they like in terms of "strong sensation" rather than "pain." I know, for me, part of eating spicy food is seeing how spicy I can eat, which meshes well with how I like to play- I like to see how far I can go before I have to stop.
So yeah, I think it goes together. And I totally hate roller coasters too.
So that's masochism- from my point of view, anyway. I don't know many other masochists, or at least I don't talk to them about masochism regularly, so this is just one little Sabine's opinion. Thoughts?
So about a year ago for 3 Weeks for DW, I wrote a post about submission and my interactions with it. In it, I sort of glossed over masochism, which is a subject that bears closer examination.
So, I'm a masochist. I knew I was submissive fairly early on, but being masochistic is something I only figured out when I really started playing. In the years since then, I've explored it pretty thoroughly, though mostly on my own. As these things go, I'm something of a heavy masochist; there's nothing I like better than a good pair of clover clamps or a nice hard pinch. So I thought I'd talk a little about what it's like, how to write it, and why it's not like you might think.
What Can Pain Do For You?
It's really hard to explain the experience of pain to someone who's not a masochist or sadist, because it is so personal and so.. physical, for lack of a better word. It's inherently embodied, and that can be hard to express. So here's the thing: pain hurts. Pain hurts some people more than others, and it makes some people feel better than others. We masochists still feel hurt by pain, but it also makes us feel good. That's the whole ball of wax right there; it is just as simple and as deeply complicated as that.
For your average garden variety masochist, pain isn't just a physical sensation; it's also a vehicle. Pain can get you where you want to go, whether that's towards orgasm or towards endorphins or towards a general sense of fulfillment- and possibly all three. Some people also get off not just on enjoying pain, but on enduring pain; it can be very heady to think that you've beaten or controlled something so primal. For me, it's not one or the other- I enjoy the pain, but I also push myself to take as much as possible, to see how much I can take.
So that's masochism, in a nutshell, and that's all, really. It sounds big and scary, but it really isn't; it's only as dangerous or as frightening as you make it.
Common Misconceptions
1. All masochists get off on all kinds of pain.
Trust me, there's good pain and bad pain, most definitely. I've been in some truly painful situations, broken bones and the like, and the only good thing about them is that they're over. Even in the context of play, there's good and bad pain. The difference between good and bad isn't a matter of degree, either, because different masochists like different things- some people who love impact play will jump three feet if you pinch them. The line between good and bad can be very fuzzy and hard to articulate, but when you've crossed it, you know.
For me, at least, my willingness to put up with the bad kind of pain is pretty low. You can flog me all night, but I will bitch and moan over a hangnail. I don't imagine most masochists are much different in this respect; like so much of BDSM, masochism is partially about control, and the uncontrollable kinds of pain really suck.
2. Masochists don't feel pain.
I feel like this is a misconception that runs pretty deep, even among non-sadistic people who know and play with masochists. The thing is, most people just don't want to hurt another human being. The logic goes, well, if they like this, then it doesn't really hurt, then I'm not doing anything bad.
Well, sorry, but as I've said, pain hurts. If I come up to you and pinch you on the arm, the sensation that you feel is not different from what I experience if you pinch me. It's what happens next that makes us different; something makes me want more. I can't really explain why- trust me, I tried, but Medline was no help- but that's how it is. I don't like it despite the pain; I like it for the pain.
That isn't to say that masochists don't have or can't develop higher pain tolerances. In fact, you can be a masochist with any kind of pain tolerance- one man's ceiling is another man's floor, so to speak. Pain endurance also increases the more you endure pain; when you're playing on a regular basis, you can take more. I love love love my clover clamps, but I have to have been playing fairly frequently to even wear them. Pain tolerance also goes up during sexual arousal, which affects things.
Writing (for) Masochists
In general, I wish more people wrote more S&M. The good painplay stories I can think of are few and far between. The stuff that does get written, which is usually in the context of D/s stories, is generally pretty light. There's also a lot of potential for creativity in painplay that doesn't get realized in fic, when it really should. There is life beyond floggers and spanking, and even within floggers and spanking there is a huge diversity of options. And then there's zippers and wheels and gloves and who knows what else? If you can think of it, people probably get off on it; a lot of kinksters spend almost nothing on their toys, bypassing expensive equipment for pervertibles, commonly available items that can be used for kinky purposes. That's not even considering all the historical and/or science fictiony objects that did or could exist. Explore!
Also, here is a piece of porn writing advice that I give to you for free: be sexy, not specific. This works for physical attributes like bust or penis size, but it also works for things like number of strokes in a paddling scene, etc. When you give a strict count on something, you divide your audience- some of them will be terrified, some of them will be pleased, and some of them will be disappointed. Unless you know exactly what you're talking about and exactly the effect you want to have, there's no good reason to pin things down. Even if you're having a character count off, you don't have to detail how far up xie counted. Leave it to the imagination- where somebody's plugging in thirty strokes, somebody else is plugging in a hundred, and everybody has a satisfying experience.
Your joke about plugging here.
Mailbag
I've only just brushed the surface of what masochism means to me and how it sort of works, so I welcome your questions!
Here's one to get us started- a reader writes:
Here's one I wonder about. I'm a masochist and a sub, my lover is a sadist and a top, so convenient that!, and both of us like very spicy food. This is crazy, right, and I don't know enough kinky people in rl to even have a hypothesis, but it kind of makes intuitive sense to me that people who enjoy especially intense sensations in one realm might be prone to like them in another. Do you like spicy food? Does your partner, if you have one?
Of course, maybe the whole thing is shot to hell by the fact that I hate roller coasters.
I'm not partnered, but I love spicy food. The condiment that runs out the fastest in my house is the red pepper flakes; I have four kinds of pepper sauce open in my fridge right now. It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that sting, really.
I don't doubt that it could be related. Some masochists, in fact, talk of what they like in terms of "strong sensation" rather than "pain." I know, for me, part of eating spicy food is seeing how spicy I can eat, which meshes well with how I like to play- I like to see how far I can go before I have to stop.
So yeah, I think it goes together. And I totally hate roller coasters too.
So that's masochism- from my point of view, anyway. I don't know many other masochists, or at least I don't talk to them about masochism regularly, so this is just one little Sabine's opinion. Thoughts?
(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-03 05:21 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-03 06:46 am (UTC)Yet BDSM-wise, I actually ask for welts a lot of the time, because I like carrying the sensation around after a session.
I loved roller coasters a lot as a kid, but after I got my period, the physical sensations of long drops became different and unpleasant, so I started avoiding them.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-03 04:18 pm (UTC)Do you have a list of those few painplay fics you consider well written? People learn to write by reading and that might inspire more fics from the masochistic POV.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-03 04:29 pm (UTC)And not to brag, but I wrote Deep Water and We Are Shaking Shadows, which contain clothespins and clamps, respectively.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-03 04:43 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-03 10:04 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-05 04:36 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-11 03:28 am (UTC)