FIFTY SHADES OF DRINKING, PART THE SECOND
Jul. 7th, 2012 11:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sabinetzinIt's that time again, flist.
Time to go deeper into EL James's magnum opus, Fifty Shades of Grey.
God help us all.
I will, as last time, be liveblogging this process in this entry. I will give you the same caveats as my co-conspiratorcoffeesuperhero:
Let me make a clarification, before we begin. In this entry, as the last one, you will not find me mocking the readers of this "fine" novel. I will be placing blame where it should be placed: on the author, editors, publishers, and characters of this abomination before the Lord. That's also what I expect in the comments. Got it?
I would like to remind you as well that anything I put in "double quotes" is a direct quote from the book. Anything in 'single quotes' is me fucking around. You will think I am fucking around more than I am, trust me.
We have developed something of a specialized cast for the characters of this fine, fine piece of literature. The inestimable Christian Grey is played by Jonathan Crane, as played by Cillian Murphy, and Elliot, who I will continually refer to as Emmett because I can't remember his "no serial numbers" name, is played by Tom Hardy. Kate was briefly played by Gwyneth Paltrow, until this status was revoked, and all the blonde women in this novel are played by Cameron Diaz.
Trust me, it makes everything MUCH more entertaining.
When we left off, on page 100, our heroine had just finished sucking Johnathan Crane's soapy dick in the tub. No, really, that happened. Some people got no home training. Now, let me finish this spaghetti and crack this beer. I feel I won't be hungry once we restart.
- Okay, so I really have no idea what was happening when I left off, I think they'd just gotten out of the tub, but I already want to roll my eyes. I just, in the narration, the line "Orgasm! Another one!" (emphasis original), I understand why I didn't make it past this point. We have Adonis and the Inner Goddess (drooling, no less), and it is like everything cheesy about this book so far in one page.
- "He cradles my head, his tongue exploring my mouth, and I get a sense he's expressing his gratitude - maybe - for my first blowjob? Whoa?"
HE BETTER DAMN WELL BE GRATEFUL
- "'Knit your hands together in front of you'" - is this British usage or just awkward? I could go either way.
- Hey there unexpected ageplay. Honestly I really should have known something was gonna go down when she put her hair up before she left the house, but that was like, twenty pages ago. Chekhov's Pigtails, man.
- I know there's nothing inherently wrong with the sentence "'I'm going to kiss you all over'", but now I have Exile stuck in my head. Which is actually a pretty good soundtrack. I like this song, despite myself.
- I'm sorry, "My body leaps to attention... everywhere." Do I just read too much slash? Because I immediately wondered if she had some accessories I didn't know about.
Also I just remembered he's gotten off three times now. Damn. A++
- Oh, oh, we have things pooling places. Where are they pooling? "[R]ight down there. I groan." You and me both, sister, you and me both.
- "He swirls the top of his nose around [the hollow of her neck] then begins a very leisurely cruise with his mouth".
1) I didn't know there was such a thing as a nose fetish, but I'm starting to thing this woman has one.
2) ALL ABOARD THE SS TRAGIC
- "He's going to kiss me there!" If you were wondering, "there" is apparently her "sex".
Look, okay, when you're in the middle of the hard fucking, when your heroine says the word "fuck", if you've already come this far (heh), you can really say something adult. I swear to god. And even if you feel the need to write like someone who uses the phrase 'potty words', GET SOME GODDAMN SYNONYMS.
- Her response to cunnilingus: "'Aargh!'"
This was written by Cathy, wasn't it? This is what she did after the strip ended.
- Orgasm four for Jonathan Crane. Should we call somebody? Has erection lasted longer than four hours?
- "He strokes his nose against mine." What THE FUCK did I just tell you people?
- All this, and she's shocked when he goes commando? Like, really? He's too rich for underpants.
- Of course his mom rolls up. I have this sense she will not be the voice of reason, or at least not enough. I already suspect she won't be like w/e Edward's mom's name is- Esme? I kinda liked Esme and Carlyle.
- THAT IS NOT HOW PUNCTUATION WORKS, IT IS NOT HOW PUNCTUATION WILL EVER WORK, WHY DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND DIALOGUE
- "My subconscious purses her lips and mouths the word 'ho'."
Okay, seriously, just stop trying to sound like anyone under the age of thirty, please. Please.
- On a TV commercial a little while ago, it was saying that 77% of K-12 teachers assign homework that requires use of the internet.
THIS BITCH DOES NOT HAVE A LAPTOP.
Also, for REAL do not go looking on the internet for research if you're about to sign a fucking contract. Like, you can use the internet to find which books to read, and that's about as far as you should go.
I told you. Like collarme wrote a book.
- "Taylor [IDR who this is, Grey's valet I think] looks kindly at me, though perhaps there a hint of pity hidden in the depths of his eyes."
WARNING SIGNS
- This is such a 'LOOK HOW AMERICAN I AM YOU GUYS' section. Within like two pages she name-drops the Mariners, Bruce Springsteen, and Ray-Bans.
Does anybody else remember the Ray-Bans commercial with all the vampires sitting on the beach? That was a damn good commercial.
- "'One of my mother's friends seduced me when I was fifteen. [...] I was her submissive for six years.'"
Uhhhhhhh. I AM STARTING TO RECOGNIZE SOME WARNING SIGNS
- "This man - sexually abused as an adolescent - his tone is so threatening."
This has gotten real all of a sudden and I am not sure why. I am sure I'm not okay with it. This is a hair's breadth from calling BDSM sexual abuse.
- Ahh, stolen underpants, what a sign of true love. If you're wondering, no, she stole his (clean) boxers and wore them home. Because that's so comfortable and everything.
- Blah blah blaaaaah nothing interesting is happening, Jose called and was a dick, god knows you can't trust anybody who's brown in this book- and by that I mean Jose, because he's the only person who's not white, all class, that.
- "Carnal exertions"? Really? I'm not drunk enough for this.
- Awwww here it comes you guys. We've already seen the initial document, but here's The Contract in all its glory. I eagerly await it.
- There are a few problems here and there with the way eBooks parse line breaks, so there is a line in the contract about "Her-pes", and I don't know why this is so funny.
Wouldn't it be great if one of them got the clap like five pages in and we could all go home?
- "Further allocated time can be mutually agreed on an ad-hoc basis."
Ah yes, that famous legal chestnut, the Booty Call clause.
- Is this supposed to be attractive? Like, it's just really long and could be summed up with "I own you, bitch."
I guess that's more embarrassing to have notarized.
- Oooh, take away my choices re: my reproductive rights some more, baby.
- Okay, the no fireplay thing, you have REALLY not done your research if that's something big Mister Domly Dominate is scared of. That's like, 200 level shit. If that's not your thing, if that's a trigger, that's different, but ffs, I've done it. You just don't know what it is.
And no electrical play. Seriously?
- Oh god, Appendix 3, I can't even. 'Hi, if I could just take a moment of your time to fill out this survey...'
- "He's my master! To be dealt with as he pleases! Holy shit."
WHERE ELSE DID YOU THINK WE WERE GOING WITH THIS
IDEK, man.
BEER ONE COMPLETION: page 126
- I was smart this time- we're out of ice, so I mixed myself up an Agent Coulson (my favorite mixed drink of late, mostly because I need to use all these liquors I bought for it) and put it in the freezer before we started. A deliciously frosty treat to help me through this.
- "My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year old. Please, let's do this...
otherwise we'll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you companty."
DING DING DING, WE HAVE A WINNER
- Headkobo count: 1
Okay, hand to god this happened, right? When I was a junior in college, I was in a history class (where I pined after the teacher. Very stately woman. Almost definitely queer. Still think I could have hit that.), and of course we had to do the accursed group project, I have no recollection what on.
So I have everybody's email addresses written down except this one girl's, so I look her up in the school address book and email her too, and everything is going good, but I never hear back from her.
We meet up again, like, two weeks later, and I'm like, I emailed you, you didn't respond, and she's just like, I don't use email. Girl my age, let me point out. Let me just telegraph Pony Express and have them send it to you. My carrier pigeons are at the vet.
That was in 2006. Even then it was fucking ridic. This book is set in 2011, she's just graduated college, this is the first time she's EVER had an email address.
YOU, ANASTASIA, YOU ARE THE REASON GROUP PROJECTS DON'T WORK
- My god seriously, boring conversations are just fifty times more boring when they're emails. Stop padding your page count.
- Headkobo count: 2
"Christian Grey just sent me a winking smiley... Oh my."
Okay, look, Jonathan Crane may have been fifteen, but this girl acts fifteen.
Isn't she with Jose? Is she just ignoring him to send emails? I mean, I wouldn't put it past her, but. WHAT HAPPENED TO JOSE, DOES NO ONE CARE BUT ME
Oh wait. I already know the answer to that one.
- Okay, okay, wait. How does she have an iPod and not a computer? Really? Has she been jacking Kate's iTunes lo these past four years?
- "I am plagued by one question - why is he like this? Is it because he was seduced at such a young age?"
Okay, get the ACTUAL FUCK away from my subculture.
- HE JUST ROLLED UP TO HER HOUSE AND IS JUST STANDING THERE WATCHING HER LIKE A CREEPER
THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
I was going to say Kate's a bitch for letting him in, but I totally have this picture of him in my mind just like, locking Kate in the closet and coming right on in.
- Her fucking medulla oblongata again. NEVER AGAIN, DO YOU HEAR ME, NEVER AGAIN
- Headkobo count: 3
I will say, however, that it is nice to see someone use the phrase 'to know someone in the Biblical sense' correctly. It's so often misused, or replaced with 'to love someone', which would probably mean like a brother.
- What is it with these people and white wine? Is it A Symbology I don't know about?
Also, a thing you should not mix with BDSM, just so you know.
Wait, wait, does this mean he put ice in wine? Oh christ, and is he feeding it to her like a baby bird? For fuck's actual sake.
- Ugh, navels again. NO NAVELS. NO NAVELS EVER.
- "'How shall I fuck you, Anastasia?'" Let me count the ways.
I shall fuck you the depth and breadth and height
My cock can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Pussy and ideal Twat
I fuck thee to the level of everyday's
Most screaming orgasm, by sun and candle-light.
I fuck thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I fuck thee purely, as they beg for Praise.
I fuck thee with a passion put to use
With my old subs, and with my regrettable childhood.
I fuck thee with a fuck I seemed to lose
In chapter eight, -- I fuck thee with the soap,
Smilies, come of all my life! -- and, if you sign the contract,
I shall but fuck thee better after death.
- (1:35:42 AM)dizmo: And why are you liveblogging fifty shades again?
(1:35:47 AM)sabinetzin: CAN'T STOP WON'T STOP
- Just spilled liquor down my neck. Glad Jonathan Crane isn't here. He'd probably run his nose through it. I also managed to sit on my Kobo or something and make it not work. HOLD PLEASE
- Okay, we're back. My Kobo was so upset at being involved in this catastrophe that it hung and I had to reset. I'm sorry, Franziska baby. I'll make it up to you.
- "'He uses sex as a weapon.'"
FUCKING RUN BITCH, DIDN'T I TELL YOU THAT SEVENTY-FIVE PAGES AGO
- Okay, maybe it's all the booze, but I cracked up at "GO TO BED ANASTASIA" in that email. I think it was supposed to be intimidating, but it was hilarious.
- The emails are cracking me up now. IDK if they're supposed to. I think not.
- "My inner goddess does too. She makes a very vulgar and unattractive gesture at him with her fingers."
So, she might be fifteen, but her inner goddess is def five years old. PS it is getting hard to type. I was going to stop at page 150, but we may just keep going, because it gets funnier and funnier the further into this drink I get.
- Kate: still gay. Also, still fifty: "'Just keeping it real, Ana.'"
Oh EL. It would be so much more liberating for you if you would just write about women your age getting into situations like this. I promise.
- White wine again. Seriously? Is it because the sparkles of his skin reflect so nicely in it?
Oh wait. 'Wrong' book.
- "'Because they were all established submissives.'"
SABINE GORDON ENTERPRISES, EST. 2003
- Oysters? Oysters. My god.
I will not be able to keep a straight face for this entire scene, which is prob. supposed to be sexy, but seriously how the fuck much more cliche and obvious could you get than raw oysters? (Which are gross, btw.)
- My GOD this has gotten boring. Look, seriously, two people having a discussion about sex and submission should not be putting me to sleep.
- Okay probably the food has to do with manpain, w/e, but that's not what I'm concerned about: what I am concerned about is why she is never hungry. This girl never eats anything. Every time she's around him she takes four bites and she's like MY STOMACH IS IN KNOTS I WILL NEVER EAT AGAIN.
Dude, how do you expect to spend every weekend with this guy if you won't just fucking eat something? Like, w/e, I know you're nervous but every. fucking. time is a wee bit excessive.
- At this point I'm praying for them to fuck across the table so that something interesting will happen.
- "O, this is too much." Verily, we do agree.
- There goes that "Oh my" again. Now, thanks to certain people, I can only hear it in George Takei's voice.
- Up to chapter fourteen, suddenly there's a riding crop. This is a dream, isn't it? This must be a dream, because something interesting is happening.
- My god is there anything more boring than someone else's college graduation. Oddly enough, this is surprisingly similar to my college graduation, in that I didn't enjoy it because I was mad at somebody and stayed pissed off all day. He didn't give the speech, though. That would have been Awkward. The speech at my graduation was already awkward, because Fred Smith (founder of FedEx) gave it, and I had written an opinion column not long beforehand about how the branding of college buildings with the names of corporations (as the school had just done with FedEx) was unethical.
Awkward. But my buddy and I were next to each other and passing a flask back and forth, so it was okay anyway.
What was I talking about?
- Jonathan Crane for real only owns one tie, I'm convinced of it.
- So I've got this thing about the Kavanaughs. It started from SGA, right. Every time you teach a class, you get a person- it's always been girls so far, IDK if this is a thing that happens more to female-socialized people, IDK- who acts precisely the same. She's just uncooperative enough to make things difficult, so you can't just smack her down, and she wants a lot of attention. The last Kavanaugh, I got so frustrated that after she asked a particularly stupid 'I'm so clever and witty' question, I legit said "The hell kind of question is that?"
Now I can't unsee Kate as her. Which is unfair to Kate, tbh.
- Okay I can't even read his commencement speech, because I am getting the ANTHROPOLOGIST RED RAGE.
- She got the janky old car from the brown guy. Of course. Who paid for it in chickens. And used to drive in it with sixteen of his friends in the back.
JOSE YOU DESERVE A BETTER BOOK
- "He's charming the pants off my dad... like he did you, my subconscious snaps at me."
I HOPE NOT
- Did you know McDonalds delivers in Guatemala City? I would pay actual money not to be in Guate right now, but this is a service I NEED. I really want a hamburger right now and I DEFINITELY can't drive.
IDK. This is more interesting than the book right now.
- I was not misled, there is pink champagne. It's like she just went to the "Aphrodisiacs of the 1970's" wiki page and went down the list.
- GOD FINALLY SHE ATE SOMETHING
I WAS LEGIT CONCERNED.
- APPENDIX 3 STRIKES BACK
[s9"FEO;'AS'
AHAHAHAHAHAHA "'I'd really like to claim your ass, Anastasia.'"
There is not a less sexy way that could be said.
"'Your ass will need training.'"
I WAS WRONG
- Yeah, getting her drunk to negotiate, I'm onto your game and I don't approve. You need training, ass.
- God caning is so not such a big deal. You just hit somebody with a stick. Yeah, it hurts a lot, but other stuff definitely hurts worse.
THIS IS WHERE YOU GET IF YOU DO ALL YOUR RESEARCH ONLINE.
- Headkobo count: 4
Of fucking COURSE he bought her a car.
Look, dude, for serious though, I'd rather be his kept woman than his sub, though.
- No one ever talks in this book. They always whisper or murmur. How do they hold conversations like this?
- "'You. Are. Going. To. Have. To. Learn. To. Keep. Still."
You. Aren't. Going. To. Fucking. Knock. It. Off. With. The. Periods. Are. You?
- Oh, now he's saying "Jeez". IT'S SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED
- FLAG ON THE PLAY, YOUR/YOU'RE ERROR, AUTOMATIC FORFEIT
- Blah blah blah BLAH this is boring sex.
- I was going to stop here at page 185, but then I flipped over and saw this true gem:
"'Because I'm fifty shades of fucked-up, Anastasia.'"
And I knew I must soldier on.
- "'You've had six orgasms so far and all of them belong to me.'"
For some reason I'm picturing him recording them on a giant abacus in a laboratory, teams of scientists scurrying around. Go on, think about it. I'll wait.
I KNOW RIGHT
- God Jonathan Crane. There are ways for you to be a bigger creeper, but they involve a knife. Not knifeplay, mind. A knife.
- FFS WE FINALLY HAVE A SPANKING 188 PAGES IN
"'Aargh!'"
- Okay, this part isn't actually so bad, punishment spanking, w/e, or it wasn't until somebody used the word "behind." Dude, you just put her over your knee and spanked her. If this isn't an ageplay scene, then fucking use adult words.
- "Up and down like whores' drawers my subconscious remarks"
Really? Really? Twenty pages ago the subconscious thought she was a "ho". Pick a generation (and a country) and stick with it.
- "Bolly"? Is that a thing we say for Bollinger? I though if we were classy enough to drink Bollinger, we just called it Bollinger.
- I note that it's always red wine with Kate and white wine with Jonathan Crane. Because Jonathan Crane is ~special~ and ~sparkly~.
- No FUCKING shit Jonathan Crane just said "you really wouldn't like me when I'm angry."
- Oh for fuck's ACTUAL sake, Jonathan Crane just busted into her house in the middle of the night, shouted past Kate, and went to her room.
I AM OFFENDED AND ALSO I WANT SOME TOAST
THE TOAST HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HOW OFFENSIVE AND CREEPY THIS IS, IT'S JUST ALSO SOMETHING THAT IS GOING ON IN MY LIFE
- "He's wrapped around me like a victory flag."
What?
- "I feel seven shades of scarlet from his heat."
Okay for real though, we can stop feelings X shades of things. It's in the name of the book. Let's move on.
- "I'm grateful for your inexperience. I value it, and I'm only beginning to understand what it means. Simply put... it means that you are mine in every way."
Fucking WOW.
On that note, ladies and smizmars, I am out. That is another hundred pages down. No idea if I will pick it back up again, but there you have it. Along the way I drank a beer and an Agent Coulson, while hitting myself in the head with my ereader four times.
Good god this is a bad book. It's like ninjas bad.
Time to go deeper into EL James's magnum opus, Fifty Shades of Grey.
God help us all.
I will, as last time, be liveblogging this process in this entry. I will give you the same caveats as my co-conspirator
coffeesuperhero:Things I cannot promise you:
+ that I will be funny
+ that I will be sorry for doing this
+ that you will enjoy this in any way
Things I can promise you:
+ I will definitely think I'm funny
+ I will drink a lot
Finally, don't try this at home, kids. (I'm guessing that's going to be a general theme for the book, by the way.)
Let me make a clarification, before we begin. In this entry, as the last one, you will not find me mocking the readers of this "fine" novel. I will be placing blame where it should be placed: on the author, editors, publishers, and characters of this abomination before the Lord. That's also what I expect in the comments. Got it?
I would like to remind you as well that anything I put in "double quotes" is a direct quote from the book. Anything in 'single quotes' is me fucking around. You will think I am fucking around more than I am, trust me.
We have developed something of a specialized cast for the characters of this fine, fine piece of literature. The inestimable Christian Grey is played by Jonathan Crane, as played by Cillian Murphy, and Elliot, who I will continually refer to as Emmett because I can't remember his "no serial numbers" name, is played by Tom Hardy. Kate was briefly played by Gwyneth Paltrow, until this status was revoked, and all the blonde women in this novel are played by Cameron Diaz.
Trust me, it makes everything MUCH more entertaining.
When we left off, on page 100, our heroine had just finished sucking Johnathan Crane's soapy dick in the tub. No, really, that happened. Some people got no home training. Now, let me finish this spaghetti and crack this beer. I feel I won't be hungry once we restart.
- Okay, so I really have no idea what was happening when I left off, I think they'd just gotten out of the tub, but I already want to roll my eyes. I just, in the narration, the line "Orgasm! Another one!" (emphasis original), I understand why I didn't make it past this point. We have Adonis and the Inner Goddess (drooling, no less), and it is like everything cheesy about this book so far in one page.
- "He cradles my head, his tongue exploring my mouth, and I get a sense he's expressing his gratitude - maybe - for my first blowjob? Whoa?"
HE BETTER DAMN WELL BE GRATEFUL
- "'Knit your hands together in front of you'" - is this British usage or just awkward? I could go either way.
- Hey there unexpected ageplay. Honestly I really should have known something was gonna go down when she put her hair up before she left the house, but that was like, twenty pages ago. Chekhov's Pigtails, man.
- I know there's nothing inherently wrong with the sentence "'I'm going to kiss you all over'", but now I have Exile stuck in my head. Which is actually a pretty good soundtrack. I like this song, despite myself.
- I'm sorry, "My body leaps to attention... everywhere." Do I just read too much slash? Because I immediately wondered if she had some accessories I didn't know about.
Also I just remembered he's gotten off three times now. Damn. A++
- Oh, oh, we have things pooling places. Where are they pooling? "[R]ight down there. I groan." You and me both, sister, you and me both.
- "He swirls the top of his nose around [the hollow of her neck] then begins a very leisurely cruise with his mouth".
1) I didn't know there was such a thing as a nose fetish, but I'm starting to thing this woman has one.
2) ALL ABOARD THE SS TRAGIC
- "He's going to kiss me there!" If you were wondering, "there" is apparently her "sex".
Look, okay, when you're in the middle of the hard fucking, when your heroine says the word "fuck", if you've already come this far (heh), you can really say something adult. I swear to god. And even if you feel the need to write like someone who uses the phrase 'potty words', GET SOME GODDAMN SYNONYMS.
- Her response to cunnilingus: "'Aargh!'"
This was written by Cathy, wasn't it? This is what she did after the strip ended.
- Orgasm four for Jonathan Crane. Should we call somebody? Has erection lasted longer than four hours?
- "He strokes his nose against mine." What THE FUCK did I just tell you people?
- All this, and she's shocked when he goes commando? Like, really? He's too rich for underpants.
- Of course his mom rolls up. I have this sense she will not be the voice of reason, or at least not enough. I already suspect she won't be like w/e Edward's mom's name is- Esme? I kinda liked Esme and Carlyle.
- THAT IS NOT HOW PUNCTUATION WORKS, IT IS NOT HOW PUNCTUATION WILL EVER WORK, WHY DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND DIALOGUE
- "My subconscious purses her lips and mouths the word 'ho'."
Okay, seriously, just stop trying to sound like anyone under the age of thirty, please. Please.
- On a TV commercial a little while ago, it was saying that 77% of K-12 teachers assign homework that requires use of the internet.
THIS BITCH DOES NOT HAVE A LAPTOP.
Also, for REAL do not go looking on the internet for research if you're about to sign a fucking contract. Like, you can use the internet to find which books to read, and that's about as far as you should go.
I told you. Like collarme wrote a book.
- "Taylor [IDR who this is, Grey's valet I think] looks kindly at me, though perhaps there a hint of pity hidden in the depths of his eyes."
WARNING SIGNS
- This is such a 'LOOK HOW AMERICAN I AM YOU GUYS' section. Within like two pages she name-drops the Mariners, Bruce Springsteen, and Ray-Bans.
Does anybody else remember the Ray-Bans commercial with all the vampires sitting on the beach? That was a damn good commercial.
- "'One of my mother's friends seduced me when I was fifteen. [...] I was her submissive for six years.'"
Uhhhhhhh. I AM STARTING TO RECOGNIZE SOME WARNING SIGNS
- "This man - sexually abused as an adolescent - his tone is so threatening."
This has gotten real all of a sudden and I am not sure why. I am sure I'm not okay with it. This is a hair's breadth from calling BDSM sexual abuse.
- Ahh, stolen underpants, what a sign of true love. If you're wondering, no, she stole his (clean) boxers and wore them home. Because that's so comfortable and everything.
- Blah blah blaaaaah nothing interesting is happening, Jose called and was a dick, god knows you can't trust anybody who's brown in this book- and by that I mean Jose, because he's the only person who's not white, all class, that.
- "Carnal exertions"? Really? I'm not drunk enough for this.
- Awwww here it comes you guys. We've already seen the initial document, but here's The Contract in all its glory. I eagerly await it.
- There are a few problems here and there with the way eBooks parse line breaks, so there is a line in the contract about "Her-pes", and I don't know why this is so funny.
Wouldn't it be great if one of them got the clap like five pages in and we could all go home?
- "Further allocated time can be mutually agreed on an ad-hoc basis."
Ah yes, that famous legal chestnut, the Booty Call clause.
- Is this supposed to be attractive? Like, it's just really long and could be summed up with "I own you, bitch."
I guess that's more embarrassing to have notarized.
- Oooh, take away my choices re: my reproductive rights some more, baby.
- Okay, the no fireplay thing, you have REALLY not done your research if that's something big Mister Domly Dominate is scared of. That's like, 200 level shit. If that's not your thing, if that's a trigger, that's different, but ffs, I've done it. You just don't know what it is.
And no electrical play. Seriously?
- Oh god, Appendix 3, I can't even. 'Hi, if I could just take a moment of your time to fill out this survey...'
- "He's my master! To be dealt with as he pleases! Holy shit."
WHERE ELSE DID YOU THINK WE WERE GOING WITH THIS
IDEK, man.
BEER ONE COMPLETION: page 126
- I was smart this time- we're out of ice, so I mixed myself up an Agent Coulson (my favorite mixed drink of late, mostly because I need to use all these liquors I bought for it) and put it in the freezer before we started. A deliciously frosty treat to help me through this.
- "My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year old. Please, let's do this...
otherwise we'll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you companty."
DING DING DING, WE HAVE A WINNER
- Headkobo count: 1
Okay, hand to god this happened, right? When I was a junior in college, I was in a history class (where I pined after the teacher. Very stately woman. Almost definitely queer. Still think I could have hit that.), and of course we had to do the accursed group project, I have no recollection what on.
So I have everybody's email addresses written down except this one girl's, so I look her up in the school address book and email her too, and everything is going good, but I never hear back from her.
We meet up again, like, two weeks later, and I'm like, I emailed you, you didn't respond, and she's just like, I don't use email. Girl my age, let me point out. Let me just telegraph Pony Express and have them send it to you. My carrier pigeons are at the vet.
That was in 2006. Even then it was fucking ridic. This book is set in 2011, she's just graduated college, this is the first time she's EVER had an email address.
YOU, ANASTASIA, YOU ARE THE REASON GROUP PROJECTS DON'T WORK
- My god seriously, boring conversations are just fifty times more boring when they're emails. Stop padding your page count.
- Headkobo count: 2
"Christian Grey just sent me a winking smiley... Oh my."
Okay, look, Jonathan Crane may have been fifteen, but this girl acts fifteen.
Isn't she with Jose? Is she just ignoring him to send emails? I mean, I wouldn't put it past her, but. WHAT HAPPENED TO JOSE, DOES NO ONE CARE BUT ME
Oh wait. I already know the answer to that one.
- Okay, okay, wait. How does she have an iPod and not a computer? Really? Has she been jacking Kate's iTunes lo these past four years?
- "I am plagued by one question - why is he like this? Is it because he was seduced at such a young age?"
Okay, get the ACTUAL FUCK away from my subculture.
- HE JUST ROLLED UP TO HER HOUSE AND IS JUST STANDING THERE WATCHING HER LIKE A CREEPER
THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
I was going to say Kate's a bitch for letting him in, but I totally have this picture of him in my mind just like, locking Kate in the closet and coming right on in.
- Her fucking medulla oblongata again. NEVER AGAIN, DO YOU HEAR ME, NEVER AGAIN
- Headkobo count: 3
I will say, however, that it is nice to see someone use the phrase 'to know someone in the Biblical sense' correctly. It's so often misused, or replaced with 'to love someone', which would probably mean like a brother.
- What is it with these people and white wine? Is it A Symbology I don't know about?
Also, a thing you should not mix with BDSM, just so you know.
Wait, wait, does this mean he put ice in wine? Oh christ, and is he feeding it to her like a baby bird? For fuck's actual sake.
- Ugh, navels again. NO NAVELS. NO NAVELS EVER.
- "'How shall I fuck you, Anastasia?'" Let me count the ways.
I shall fuck you the depth and breadth and height
My cock can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Pussy and ideal Twat
I fuck thee to the level of everyday's
Most screaming orgasm, by sun and candle-light.
I fuck thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I fuck thee purely, as they beg for Praise.
I fuck thee with a passion put to use
With my old subs, and with my regrettable childhood.
I fuck thee with a fuck I seemed to lose
In chapter eight, -- I fuck thee with the soap,
Smilies, come of all my life! -- and, if you sign the contract,
I shall but fuck thee better after death.
- (1:35:42 AM)
dizmo: And why are you liveblogging fifty shades again?(1:35:47 AM)
sabinetzin: CAN'T STOP WON'T STOP- Just spilled liquor down my neck. Glad Jonathan Crane isn't here. He'd probably run his nose through it. I also managed to sit on my Kobo or something and make it not work. HOLD PLEASE
- Okay, we're back. My Kobo was so upset at being involved in this catastrophe that it hung and I had to reset. I'm sorry, Franziska baby. I'll make it up to you.
- "'He uses sex as a weapon.'"
FUCKING RUN BITCH, DIDN'T I TELL YOU THAT SEVENTY-FIVE PAGES AGO
- Okay, maybe it's all the booze, but I cracked up at "GO TO BED ANASTASIA" in that email. I think it was supposed to be intimidating, but it was hilarious.
- The emails are cracking me up now. IDK if they're supposed to. I think not.
- "My inner goddess does too. She makes a very vulgar and unattractive gesture at him with her fingers."
So, she might be fifteen, but her inner goddess is def five years old. PS it is getting hard to type. I was going to stop at page 150, but we may just keep going, because it gets funnier and funnier the further into this drink I get.
- Kate: still gay. Also, still fifty: "'Just keeping it real, Ana.'"
Oh EL. It would be so much more liberating for you if you would just write about women your age getting into situations like this. I promise.
- White wine again. Seriously? Is it because the sparkles of his skin reflect so nicely in it?
Oh wait. 'Wrong' book.
- "'Because they were all established submissives.'"
SABINE GORDON ENTERPRISES, EST. 2003
- Oysters? Oysters. My god.
I will not be able to keep a straight face for this entire scene, which is prob. supposed to be sexy, but seriously how the fuck much more cliche and obvious could you get than raw oysters? (Which are gross, btw.)
- My GOD this has gotten boring. Look, seriously, two people having a discussion about sex and submission should not be putting me to sleep.
- Okay probably the food has to do with manpain, w/e, but that's not what I'm concerned about: what I am concerned about is why she is never hungry. This girl never eats anything. Every time she's around him she takes four bites and she's like MY STOMACH IS IN KNOTS I WILL NEVER EAT AGAIN.
Dude, how do you expect to spend every weekend with this guy if you won't just fucking eat something? Like, w/e, I know you're nervous but every. fucking. time is a wee bit excessive.
- At this point I'm praying for them to fuck across the table so that something interesting will happen.
- "O, this is too much." Verily, we do agree.
- There goes that "Oh my" again. Now, thanks to certain people, I can only hear it in George Takei's voice.
- Up to chapter fourteen, suddenly there's a riding crop. This is a dream, isn't it? This must be a dream, because something interesting is happening.
- My god is there anything more boring than someone else's college graduation. Oddly enough, this is surprisingly similar to my college graduation, in that I didn't enjoy it because I was mad at somebody and stayed pissed off all day. He didn't give the speech, though. That would have been Awkward. The speech at my graduation was already awkward, because Fred Smith (founder of FedEx) gave it, and I had written an opinion column not long beforehand about how the branding of college buildings with the names of corporations (as the school had just done with FedEx) was unethical.
Awkward. But my buddy and I were next to each other and passing a flask back and forth, so it was okay anyway.
What was I talking about?
- Jonathan Crane for real only owns one tie, I'm convinced of it.
- So I've got this thing about the Kavanaughs. It started from SGA, right. Every time you teach a class, you get a person- it's always been girls so far, IDK if this is a thing that happens more to female-socialized people, IDK- who acts precisely the same. She's just uncooperative enough to make things difficult, so you can't just smack her down, and she wants a lot of attention. The last Kavanaugh, I got so frustrated that after she asked a particularly stupid 'I'm so clever and witty' question, I legit said "The hell kind of question is that?"
Now I can't unsee Kate as her. Which is unfair to Kate, tbh.
- Okay I can't even read his commencement speech, because I am getting the ANTHROPOLOGIST RED RAGE.
- She got the janky old car from the brown guy. Of course. Who paid for it in chickens. And used to drive in it with sixteen of his friends in the back.
JOSE YOU DESERVE A BETTER BOOK
- "He's charming the pants off my dad... like he did you, my subconscious snaps at me."
I HOPE NOT
- Did you know McDonalds delivers in Guatemala City? I would pay actual money not to be in Guate right now, but this is a service I NEED. I really want a hamburger right now and I DEFINITELY can't drive.
IDK. This is more interesting than the book right now.
- I was not misled, there is pink champagne. It's like she just went to the "Aphrodisiacs of the 1970's" wiki page and went down the list.
- GOD FINALLY SHE ATE SOMETHING
I WAS LEGIT CONCERNED.
- APPENDIX 3 STRIKES BACK
[s9"FEO;'AS'
AHAHAHAHAHAHA "'I'd really like to claim your ass, Anastasia.'"
There is not a less sexy way that could be said.
"'Your ass will need training.'"
I WAS WRONG
- Yeah, getting her drunk to negotiate, I'm onto your game and I don't approve. You need training, ass.
- God caning is so not such a big deal. You just hit somebody with a stick. Yeah, it hurts a lot, but other stuff definitely hurts worse.
THIS IS WHERE YOU GET IF YOU DO ALL YOUR RESEARCH ONLINE.
- Headkobo count: 4
Of fucking COURSE he bought her a car.
Look, dude, for serious though, I'd rather be his kept woman than his sub, though.
- No one ever talks in this book. They always whisper or murmur. How do they hold conversations like this?
- "'You. Are. Going. To. Have. To. Learn. To. Keep. Still."
You. Aren't. Going. To. Fucking. Knock. It. Off. With. The. Periods. Are. You?
- Oh, now he's saying "Jeez". IT'S SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED
- FLAG ON THE PLAY, YOUR/YOU'RE ERROR, AUTOMATIC FORFEIT
- Blah blah blah BLAH this is boring sex.
- I was going to stop here at page 185, but then I flipped over and saw this true gem:
"'Because I'm fifty shades of fucked-up, Anastasia.'"
And I knew I must soldier on.
- "'You've had six orgasms so far and all of them belong to me.'"
For some reason I'm picturing him recording them on a giant abacus in a laboratory, teams of scientists scurrying around. Go on, think about it. I'll wait.
I KNOW RIGHT
- God Jonathan Crane. There are ways for you to be a bigger creeper, but they involve a knife. Not knifeplay, mind. A knife.
- FFS WE FINALLY HAVE A SPANKING 188 PAGES IN
"'Aargh!'"
- Okay, this part isn't actually so bad, punishment spanking, w/e, or it wasn't until somebody used the word "behind." Dude, you just put her over your knee and spanked her. If this isn't an ageplay scene, then fucking use adult words.
- "Up and down like whores' drawers my subconscious remarks"
Really? Really? Twenty pages ago the subconscious thought she was a "ho". Pick a generation (and a country) and stick with it.
- "Bolly"? Is that a thing we say for Bollinger? I though if we were classy enough to drink Bollinger, we just called it Bollinger.
- I note that it's always red wine with Kate and white wine with Jonathan Crane. Because Jonathan Crane is ~special~ and ~sparkly~.
- No FUCKING shit Jonathan Crane just said "you really wouldn't like me when I'm angry."
- Oh for fuck's ACTUAL sake, Jonathan Crane just busted into her house in the middle of the night, shouted past Kate, and went to her room.
I AM OFFENDED AND ALSO I WANT SOME TOAST
THE TOAST HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HOW OFFENSIVE AND CREEPY THIS IS, IT'S JUST ALSO SOMETHING THAT IS GOING ON IN MY LIFE
- "He's wrapped around me like a victory flag."
What?
- "I feel seven shades of scarlet from his heat."
Okay for real though, we can stop feelings X shades of things. It's in the name of the book. Let's move on.
- "I'm grateful for your inexperience. I value it, and I'm only beginning to understand what it means. Simply put... it means that you are mine in every way."
Fucking WOW.
On that note, ladies and smizmars, I am out. That is another hundred pages down. No idea if I will pick it back up again, but there you have it. Along the way I drank a beer and an Agent Coulson, while hitting myself in the head with my ereader four times.
Good god this is a bad book. It's like ninjas bad.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-08 04:50 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-08 05:06 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-08 06:18 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-08 06:22 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-08 06:47 am (UTC)In a book that just wasn't okay.
Found a chick with no flair,
And fucked her down there.
It became a best seller. No way.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-08 07:17 am (UTC)Anastasia = George Takei? The fuck?
(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-08 07:19 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-08 07:22 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-08 08:46 am (UTC)YOU'RE WELCOME!
Trust me, it will be a whole lot more entertaining if you just imagine her portrayed by George Takei for the whole thing.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-08 08:48 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-08 09:08 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-08 09:59 am (UTC)I think the 'Bolly' thing comes from Ashes to Ashes. Gene Hunt nicknames Alex Drake 'Bolly' because she's posh. So I think using the word is a bit wannabe- or mocking of-upper class rather than actual upper class.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-08 11:20 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-08 11:24 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-07-09 02:35 am (UTC)