the answers to my questions, they are purple, black, and blue

[sabinetzin]

[DW only]

Pursuant to this poll, I was thinking that I would tell the story of how I went skinny dipping in a river in Belize at 2 AM, but then I realized that was pretty much the whole story: I went skinny dipping, drunk, in a river in Belize at 2 AM with a bunch of my field school crew and our professors, and it was awesome. So instead I will talk about being kinky, I suppose.

So, the thing is, I can't draw.

I am aware that there are people who can take a pencil and represent something from the real world, but I have no idea how it works. When I try to draw, my instinct is to draw great heavy black outlines, because that's how I see things. I don't think in curves and shadow and shading; I think in straight lines and flat planes and trees.

Those same processes drive all of my thinking- I'm a linear thinker, not a "creative" one. It's not that I can't multitask, I just need all of my tasks to be sequential and finite. I want the entire world to be organized in terms of "if x, then y", because anything else bothers me.

And I mention this because, from where I'm sitting, thinking with your pants on is not any different than thinking with your pants off. Sex kind of bothers me, because it's an intensely creative process, and I don't have a road map for it. I don't know what the fuck we're doing- I need somebody else to know what the fuck we're doing, or we're not going to get this project out of committee, basically. If you couple it with the fact that sex kind of turns me into Meatwad- I only have the brain power to sit around and say, "Do what now?"- it just doesn't really work out for me.

I can drive, but I can't navigate, is what I'm trying to say.

And the other part of it is, I'm kind of neurotic (okay, I'm really, really neurotic- Mer is my self insert for a reason) and a control freak because I'm just too smart for my own good. The whole secret to living your life happily is to recognize that there is danger in the world and ignore it as frequently as is possible, and I totally suck at that second step. I'm too uptight; I have to be on point all the time. Subbing opens a space where that's not true anymore. For a little while, everything is somebody else's problem; it's okay that sex makes me kind of giggly and stupid, because as long as I do x, I get to y- where x is whatever my top wants and y is be happy and feel taken care of. It's not a space I can have anywhere else; I don't even like to be touched, normally, much less doted on or ordered around or whatever else I can handle when it's coming from my top.

So I'm a sub, which I feel is a better expression of my sexual orientation than any other term; because I enjoy people with gender expressions from all over the spectrum, but I'm only attracted to toppy people. I used to delude myself into thinking I was maybe a switch, but, well- God bless tops, every one, but I got no kind of idea what the point of topping is. I have had it explained to me by tops of my acquaintance, but I can't grok it. It's kind of like sky diving to me- I can understand what would lead someone to want to do it, but I sure as hell don't see any reason to myself. In retrospect, I can remember thinking subby thoughts ever since I was a tiny little Sabine- in particular, I can remember this one time on the playground where me and another little girl were playing princess and evil witch, and we were switching off being the princess and escaping from the evil witch (down the slide, natch), and when it was my turn, "You know, maybe I don't need to get rescued."

Warning signs, people.

I'm also a masochist, but I don't have a thinky explanation for that. IDK. I just like pain. I used to worry about it, but my therapist said it was fine, so I don't really worry about it anymore.

Let's see, what else did I want to talk about? Oh yeah- you know what I hate? I hate the dominant in the boardroom, submissive in the bedroom stereotype. The only thing that unites the subs that I know is that they're all control freaks normally, and all the tops I know are toppy ALL THE TIME. So everybody who's loud and bossy could go either way! It's the quiet people you gotta be concerned about!

I also hate it when people don't really get kink, but write it anyway. I'm not saying you have to actively be beating people's asses to be writing about it- not that it doesn't help- but you need to get it. If you think there's something fundamentally wrong with people who enjoy consensual pain- giving or receiving- then you don't need to write (sexually) sadistic or masochistic characters. If you don't get what draws people to power exchange- if you think it's just about wearing hot outfits and playing with interesting toys- if you don't know the difference between consensual play and abuse- then you need to stop writing power exchange. Period. Kink is not window dressing; it's a real way of life of a real set of people, and if you don't respect that, leave.

(Of course I don't mean you, circle, because if I felt like you felt this way, I wouldn't have circled you in the first place. <3)

So that's me and kink. I'm not active right now; I used to have a whole bunch of kinky friends IRL, but we all graduated college and went our separate ways. All my friends now are also colleagues, which kind of contraindicates us discussing things like kink- though one of my colleagues insists she's going to drop out and become a dominatrix, because it's a whole lot easier than going to grad school, for which I don't blame her.

I aim to get real active in about a week, but, uh, that's a whole 'nother story, that may quite possibly be longer and much more TMI. <3

Comments

[beccastareyes]

I also hate it when people don't really get kink, but write it anyway. [...] Kink is not window dressing; it's a real way of life of a real set of people, and if you don't respect that, leave.

Goes for writing any group, I'd say. At least if you grok 'some people are turned on by stuff I am not*, and I should first sit back and listen to them before writing about them being turned on', and then listening (or reading), there's a good chance that at least the respect is there. You still might screw it up, but listening means that when someone says 'you screwed it up', you might learn from it.

* Or think differently or have different life experiences, etc.

[lovelythings]

I want to hear the longer story :D :D :D :D

I salute you. In all ways possible. *eyebrows*

[kate]

This was really interesting! Thank you for posting about it.

I'm not exactly kinky; at least I haven't done IRL (yet?), though I really enjoy reading kink written by kinky people, and reading about kink, too, in a meta way, like this. So, thanks again. <3

[shalom]

SO glad I voted for this one, because this post was very interesting, thank you.

The only thing that unites the subs that I know is that they're all control freaks normally

How about "all the time" (for me). LOL

[valentinite]

In retrospect, I can remember thinking subby thoughts ever since I was a tiny little Sabine

Yeah, people talk about knowing their sexual orientation at age 6 or whatever, and I realize now that I knew one piece, and one alone of mine. And that was several of my kinks. I didn't figure out orientation until I hit puberty and found what I found attractive.

I may tl;dr at LJ/DW about it at some point, since it's part of what brought me to fandom, but I think I am still a little too self-conscious about it.

Also, yay for TMI! (Not in the sense you need to tell us stuff you don't want to, but it sounds like there's a happy story behind it, which is good.)

[anatsuno]

I'm also glad I voted for this; very interesting post, yay! <3

[toft]

The only thing that unites the subs that I know is that they're all control freaks normally

REALLY. That's - interesting. Because - yeah. This is something I've been thinking about. I'm beginning to explore this stuff, and I think I'm maybe with someone who isn't toppy enough to top me right now, but that's also what I feel safe with right now, so that's okay. But yeah, control freak. This makes sense. Sorry, rambling! Anyway. Interesting post, thank you!

[tingler]

The whole secret to living your life happily is to recognize that there is danger in the world and ignore it as frequently as is possible

I have never seen my basic life philosophy distilled so succinctly before.

[ninamazing]

You are so smart and I so appreciate you talking about the life of a smart sub. ♥ I am incoherent because I haven't been sleeping, but whee.

[ladyjane]

*memorizes*

This was interesting and educational. Thank you. I'm going to hang onto this and rec it like crazy!