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sabinetzin1. I'm cleaning up my oldest fic, right? Because I want everything from FF.net, Restricted Section, AFF, my journal, w/e, all on the AO3. This is the stuff from way back, the stuff that was the very first fanfiction I wrote consciously, knowing what I was doing what writing fanfiction.
So I did most of this work a year ago, and I imported all but just a few things from FF.net. It is important to note that I didn't read any of them; I just imported all of them and tossed them up. But oh god, there were a few things I had missed, and I read them. Oh my god that was an error in judgment. I just, goddamn.
But now, I've put up everything I can find (though now that I think about it I might need to recheck![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
bloody_shorts), except for this one story.
It is, without a doubt, bar none, the worst story I have ever written in my entire life. This is not 100% shocking, because it was the second story I ever wrote, following my (adorable and harmless) Mary Sue, and it was the first porn I ever wrote. I remember having SUCH TROUBLE because I was 17 AND THREE QUARTERS YOU GUYS and it was SO SCARY to click the "I am over 18" button because I was afraid of the INTERNET POLICE.
You think I'm lying. You sit here and read all these kinky stories I been leaving all over the place, and you do not understand that I am a Good Girl at heart. I have been known to follow the Letter and not the Spirit, is what I'm saying.
So I don't know what to do about this story. I thought it wasn't available anywhere on the internet except behind a login at Restricted Section, but I just found it on my AFF profile. I'm so torn, because I'm a completist, and I feel that you have to own your mistakes. But y'all, this, this may just be too bad. We may have crossed the Rubicon on this one. I'll damn sure link to the sporking if I do post it, though (if I can find it, it's not tagged on the comm I know it's in).
So IDK. I'm not linking you to it if I post it. You can find it your damn selves.
2. WHY DID NO ONE EVER TELL ME OF THE EXISTENCE OF CAN'T SMEG, WON'T SMEG. YOU ARE ALL FIRED.
Ohhh my god, you have no idea how many fond memories I have of being a tiny Sabine, sitting in front of BBCA watching Can't Cook, Won't Cook and Ready Steady Cook. And if you didn't watch it on BBCA, you missed the best part, because it had American translations at the bottom. Like, it would have helpful little bars when they used a non-American term for something ("The courgette is also known as a zucchini!") or some food item that's not commonly used in America ("Crème fraîche is similar to sour cream" or "Clotted cream is... okay look we're not a hundred percent on what it is, but it tastes pretty good, so let's roll with it.").
That plus Red Dwarf = one ECSTATIC Sabine.
3. Random: Don't tell me what it is, but do you have your credit/debit card number memorized? We're talking about the number proper, from the front of the card, not the account number.
I have always had my debit card number memorized, and this seems to blow people's minds. Seriously, though, y'all, if you have a MasterCard from an American bank (regional banks, at least), the first eight numbers for any card number drawn on a specific account are always going to be the same, and the last four you need all the time for verification; it's only four numbers you have to memorize.
Why is this hard? Am I just being weird again?
I am particularly perplexed by this, because my mother thinks this is an amazing skill, and she has Masters (Masterses?) in both math and accounting.
4. So this is going around again,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
pocky_slash being the proximal cause: Post the first sentence (or three) from every WIP you're currently working on, even if it's very short. Then invite people to ask questions about your WIPs. With any luck, the motivation to take that WIP one step closer to completion will appear as if by magic!
The "first" part doesn't work for me- can't be buggered- But here are some bits anyway. I think this is all XMFC, but it may please you to note that the Atlantis story farthest up the queue is labeled "what what (in the butt)". As one does.
Presented with GDoc titles:
chastity is a stripper name
"Because you are a whore. You think about everyone you pass, don't you? You think about what it would take, who you should be to make them want you. It's not even about fucking, it's about getting into their heads. You don't know how to do anything else, because you've always been a whore, and you always will be."
"I've never heard you complain before."
"That's because you're my whore, and I intend on keeping it that way."
Raven Darkholme got to get paid
"How much?"
"Seventy-five for either," she tells him, smiling prettily. "A bargain at twice the price."
He looks them up and down. "How much for both of you?"
They look at each other uneasily; Erik's pretty sure it's an act, because there's no way someone hasn't looked at them before and thought about it. "I'm not sure we can do that," the boy says finally. "And I'm not sure you would want to."
"And why not?"
"She's my sister," he says, almost apologetically.
Erik raises his eyebrows. "Two-fifty."
"Done," she says, before he can say anything.
dammit Erik
He never appreciates that Charles is so much shorter than he is or that he's so slight, not until he's trying to do this; he can practice on all the pillows he wants, but the pillows are bigger, plus they don't have spines or necks to avoid.
Erik gets on the stick
He backs her up against the door, leaning in close, inches from her face. "You're trying to provoke me."
"What do you care what I do?" she says, staring right back at him. "You said years."
"I fucking lied," he snarls, taking her face in his hands and attacking her mouth.
get it girl
He leans forward and very carefully kisses her, wondering it this is going to be the moment, the moment he realizes it's all wrong, that he shouldn't be doing this.
It's not.
Her hand goes tighter on his wrist, and her kisses are soft but insistent; it makes his heart beat faster, the feeling that she's caught him, that even in something this simple and light he's lost control.
jan prompts (a catchall document, hence the boring name)
"We only come as a set," she tells Erik.
Charles grins dirtily at her. "Oh, do we ever."
hoplology 101
"This is my practical instructor, Raven," Xavier says, hooking an arm around her waist. She's maybe five-six, blond, very pretty, and Erik's first thought is that he's absolutely going to break her in half; his second thought is that he knows that assumption makes her more dangerous than a larger fighter. "I'd have to say her style is-" He pulls back, looking at her. "What do you think, darling? Mostly hand-to-hand, eclectic, informed by revived Japanese and Korean styles of the twentieth century, but not to the level of Bartitsu or MMA-"
"I played a lot of Mortal Kombat as a kid," Raven answers.
"Ah."
So I did most of this work a year ago, and I imported all but just a few things from FF.net. It is important to note that I didn't read any of them; I just imported all of them and tossed them up. But oh god, there were a few things I had missed, and I read them. Oh my god that was an error in judgment. I just, goddamn.
But now, I've put up everything I can find (though now that I think about it I might need to recheck
bloody_shorts), except for this one story.It is, without a doubt, bar none, the worst story I have ever written in my entire life. This is not 100% shocking, because it was the second story I ever wrote, following my (adorable and harmless) Mary Sue, and it was the first porn I ever wrote. I remember having SUCH TROUBLE because I was 17 AND THREE QUARTERS YOU GUYS and it was SO SCARY to click the "I am over 18" button because I was afraid of the INTERNET POLICE.
You think I'm lying. You sit here and read all these kinky stories I been leaving all over the place, and you do not understand that I am a Good Girl at heart. I have been known to follow the Letter and not the Spirit, is what I'm saying.
So I don't know what to do about this story. I thought it wasn't available anywhere on the internet except behind a login at Restricted Section, but I just found it on my AFF profile. I'm so torn, because I'm a completist, and I feel that you have to own your mistakes. But y'all, this, this may just be too bad. We may have crossed the Rubicon on this one. I'll damn sure link to the sporking if I do post it, though (if I can find it, it's not tagged on the comm I know it's in).
So IDK. I'm not linking you to it if I post it. You can find it your damn selves.
2. WHY DID NO ONE EVER TELL ME OF THE EXISTENCE OF CAN'T SMEG, WON'T SMEG. YOU ARE ALL FIRED.
Ohhh my god, you have no idea how many fond memories I have of being a tiny Sabine, sitting in front of BBCA watching Can't Cook, Won't Cook and Ready Steady Cook. And if you didn't watch it on BBCA, you missed the best part, because it had American translations at the bottom. Like, it would have helpful little bars when they used a non-American term for something ("The courgette is also known as a zucchini!") or some food item that's not commonly used in America ("Crème fraîche is similar to sour cream" or "Clotted cream is... okay look we're not a hundred percent on what it is, but it tastes pretty good, so let's roll with it.").
That plus Red Dwarf = one ECSTATIC Sabine.
3. Random: Don't tell me what it is, but do you have your credit/debit card number memorized? We're talking about the number proper, from the front of the card, not the account number.
I have always had my debit card number memorized, and this seems to blow people's minds. Seriously, though, y'all, if you have a MasterCard from an American bank (regional banks, at least), the first eight numbers for any card number drawn on a specific account are always going to be the same, and the last four you need all the time for verification; it's only four numbers you have to memorize.
Why is this hard? Am I just being weird again?
I am particularly perplexed by this, because my mother thinks this is an amazing skill, and she has Masters (Masterses?) in both math and accounting.
4. So this is going around again,
pocky_slash being the proximal cause: Post the first sentence (or three) from every WIP you're currently working on, even if it's very short. Then invite people to ask questions about your WIPs. With any luck, the motivation to take that WIP one step closer to completion will appear as if by magic!The "first" part doesn't work for me- can't be buggered- But here are some bits anyway. I think this is all XMFC, but it may please you to note that the Atlantis story farthest up the queue is labeled "what what (in the butt)". As one does.
Presented with GDoc titles:
chastity is a stripper name
"Because you are a whore. You think about everyone you pass, don't you? You think about what it would take, who you should be to make them want you. It's not even about fucking, it's about getting into their heads. You don't know how to do anything else, because you've always been a whore, and you always will be."
"I've never heard you complain before."
"That's because you're my whore, and I intend on keeping it that way."
Raven Darkholme got to get paid
"How much?"
"Seventy-five for either," she tells him, smiling prettily. "A bargain at twice the price."
He looks them up and down. "How much for both of you?"
They look at each other uneasily; Erik's pretty sure it's an act, because there's no way someone hasn't looked at them before and thought about it. "I'm not sure we can do that," the boy says finally. "And I'm not sure you would want to."
"And why not?"
"She's my sister," he says, almost apologetically.
Erik raises his eyebrows. "Two-fifty."
"Done," she says, before he can say anything.
dammit Erik
He never appreciates that Charles is so much shorter than he is or that he's so slight, not until he's trying to do this; he can practice on all the pillows he wants, but the pillows are bigger, plus they don't have spines or necks to avoid.
Erik gets on the stick
He backs her up against the door, leaning in close, inches from her face. "You're trying to provoke me."
"What do you care what I do?" she says, staring right back at him. "You said years."
"I fucking lied," he snarls, taking her face in his hands and attacking her mouth.
get it girl
He leans forward and very carefully kisses her, wondering it this is going to be the moment, the moment he realizes it's all wrong, that he shouldn't be doing this.
It's not.
Her hand goes tighter on his wrist, and her kisses are soft but insistent; it makes his heart beat faster, the feeling that she's caught him, that even in something this simple and light he's lost control.
jan prompts (a catchall document, hence the boring name)
"We only come as a set," she tells Erik.
Charles grins dirtily at her. "Oh, do we ever."
hoplology 101
"This is my practical instructor, Raven," Xavier says, hooking an arm around her waist. She's maybe five-six, blond, very pretty, and Erik's first thought is that he's absolutely going to break her in half; his second thought is that he knows that assumption makes her more dangerous than a larger fighter. "I'd have to say her style is-" He pulls back, looking at her. "What do you think, darling? Mostly hand-to-hand, eclectic, informed by revived Japanese and Korean styles of the twentieth century, but not to the level of Bartitsu or MMA-"
"I played a lot of Mortal Kombat as a kid," Raven answers.
"Ah."
(no subject)
Date: 2012-02-01 01:31 am (UTC)ETA:
I remember having SUCH TROUBLE because I was 17 AND THREE QUARTERS YOU GUYS and it was SO SCARY to click the "I am over 18" button because I was afraid of the INTERNET POLICE.
Oh man, this was me as a 17 year old, too, posting fic. It was one of the reasons I was glad when it started being more lj-based than mailing lists, because I felt SO GUILTY about lying to people.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-02-01 01:48 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-02-01 07:47 am (UTC)Dammit, self. I have to admit, when it comes to this pairing, I have a size kink. At least it goes both ways. I'm every bit as fascinated by Erik's tiny waist as I am by Charles only coming up so high to Erik. Charles just tucks up so neatly right under Erik's arm, though. *_*
(no subject)
Date: 2012-02-01 07:56 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-02-01 09:51 am (UTC)What were we talking about? Oh right. I fully support all these lovely WIPs but I am particularly keen to know more about "dammit Erik". Also Raven's got to get paid, and hoplology 101. Also all of them.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-02-01 10:32 am (UTC)(And because it's 4 in the morning and my brain is gone strange, total tangent: also the dream I had last night where Charles and co. and I were all on the run from Moira and the CIA- and then it stopped in the middle for like a five minute sequence of Erik smoking a cigarette, and I knew we were jeopardizing the mission but, damn. Because I have a problem and you need to respect that.)
I... feel like there was some reason I started writing "dammit Erik", like I was having a conversation with someone about something. Oh, right right right right right, that's the bottom!dom!Charles/newbie!Erik story. Then it became me projecting my problems onto Erik, which we all do as fangirls a lot, mind, but I feel like this time is legit.
Because I can't flog, right- or, rather, I can't flog right (we're talking about Florentine). And if you were trying to learn to do it you wouldn't want to do it to Charles, because he's small. Like, I'm a good size to demo bottom for that- and I do, a lot, and ask me if I complain- and I have two inches and mumblemumble pounds on Charles.
So Erik can't pull it off, and Charles is all "It's okay, baby" and Erik is all "IT'S NOT OKAY GRR", and they get into a fight about it, idk, it doesn't have an ending. Though it does have a scene of Charles using his powers to use Erik to flog himself, which he prefaces with "This will be a neat trick if I can pull it off."
"Raven Darkholme got to get paid" is a dystopian hooker AU, and I am going to throw all its shit onto the lawn, after which I will change my phone number.
By which I mean I'm just going to rip out the back end with all the plot in it and leave it as creepy porn with a side of pseudo-incest and mutant fetishism. Though I may keep the side thread from the original plot where Raven becomes Erik's kept woman while Raven and Charles have a lot of sad OH GOD THIS IS WRONG BUT I CAN'T HELP IT sex, because I quite like that bit. (This is how big the plot is, that that is just a side bit.)
And "hoplology 101" is the Krav Maga story. That I'm not writing. And I didn't spend like an hour and a half last night watching Krav Maga videos on youtube in preparation. That would be silly. Why would you think that.
God, okay, I am the most rambliest tonight. I should get some sleep. Probably. Possibly. I should look into it, is what I'm saying.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-02-01 11:49 am (UTC)You and me both. Sometimes I look at images of him with that mermaid waist and his long long hands, and I think he could seriously get his hands all the way around his own waist. I've never been into thinness before, but... I would like to see him try.
it stopped in the middle for like a five minute sequence of Erik smoking a cigarette, and I knew we were jeopardizing the mission but, damn.
Heh! You know, that was probably hangover from our Archer/XMFC conversation. Don't you think? Because jeopardizing a mission to indulge in ogling is ISIS SOP all the way.
Btw, I thought several times today about Erik constantly threatening to leave XIPE or XELAS or whatever for ISIS, largely because Charles seems to be sleeping with everyone in the free world except for him. But Archer isn't having it, because come on, obviously the 'top hot spy who looks awesome in turtlenecks' position is so taken at ISIS. So obviously, Archer has to get Charles to sleep with Erik. This should be the easiest thing in the history of easy (or maybe second, after Charles himself) and yet. Comedy of errors time.
Though it does have a scene of Charles using his powers to use Erik to flog himself, which he prefaces with "This will be a neat trick if I can pull it off."
Does it really need more? aklsd;fjl;sd
Don't you hate it when a story spawns a whole plot you just don't want to deal with? Ah well. Thumbs up to whatever becomes of the hooker AU and the Krav Maga saga.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-02-01 11:50 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-02-01 11:09 pm (UTC)But then, he might be so thin that a corset couldn't compress him properly- I mean, the thing about corsets is the bigger you are, the more you can take off. But by god we could have fun trying.
This obviously devolved into me watching this video of a dude who is COMMITTED TO THE CAUSE. Erik would look like he was wearing a girdle in a corset that short, but damn.
Because jeopardizing a mission to indulge in ogling is ISIS SOP all the way.
"Wait, wait, hold on."
"Archer-"
"Just a second, damn."
"Archer, the FARC is half a klick behind us."
"Yeah, yeah, we'll get back to that. But show me that thing you did with your leg again."
Archer spends soooo much time ragging on Erik's turtlenecks, because Erik's don't cost $900 each. "God, did he buy those at Walmart? THE SEAMS AREN'T EVEN TOPSTITCHED, LANA, AND I AM NOT GOING TO LET IT GO, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT BY NOW."
And Archer is COMPLETELY trying to hook Erik and Charles up, and it keeps going the wrongest ways possible. Archer just keeps adding to the very long list of people Charles has slept with (pretty sure he "accidentally" adds himself, at one point), and Erik gets more and more of a >:( face.
I have this whole Sleepless in Seattle idea in my brain where, like, Archer sets up a romantic dinner for Erik and Charles on a rooftop while Lana and Ray provide color commentary ("Jesus, I think this is too gay"), but, like, Pam shows up before Erik gets there, and Charles is like, well, this is lovely, let's have some wine, and Pam is all, well, she's Pam. And Erik completely walks in on it, and he's all GOD CHARLES THIS IS CLASSIC YOU. And Charles is all, Erik! :D I think we have another glass around here somewhere, and Pam is like, I like where this is going.
IDK how this works out, but I feel like everything backfires so much that it reverse-backfires and Archer does something so incredibly stupid that Charles and Erik end up together, and Erik quits threatening to quit NYX.
As often.
Sidebar: Lizzy and I were talking about Archer/Raven the other night, and we realized that it was Archer's chance to fulfill his greatest fantasy: sex with himself.
We couldn't decide if Raven would go for it or not. One hand, ultimate skill test. Other hand, seriously though?
(no subject)
Date: 2012-02-02 02:11 am (UTC)I shouldn't be surprised at this point that you have character voices nailed, but that's so COMPLETELY HIM. :D
Archer just keeps adding to the very long list of people Charles has slept with (pretty sure he "accidentally" adds himself, at one point)
Definitely. And then he keeps accidentally making "the Pele of anal" type comments about Charles in Erik's hearing. Ooops.
"Is there such a thing as tongue yoga? Because I think that guy must have taken some classes."
I have this whole Sleepless in Seattle idea in my brain where, like, Archer sets up a romantic dinner for Erik and Charles on a rooftop while Lana and Ray provide color commentary ("Jesus, I think this is too gay")
Oh, god, considering how over the rainbow Archer went with it, when he tried to pose as a gay guy? Jfc, his idea of a romantic dinner for two men would be excruciating. Erasure playing softly in the background, a vase of flowers + glow sticks. Poppers as apertifs.
There would definitely be a hot tub on the roof with a bunch of rose petals in it, which would clog up the filter horrendously. Can a hot tub catch fire?
(no subject)
Date: 2012-02-02 03:15 am (UTC)"Is that part of your training over there? Because I gotta tell you, not the first time a NYX agent made me think that, so if that's like your thing, I see why you put Xavier in charge. Does he teach the field agents, or is he just a dedicated amateur-"
"If you say one more word, I assure you that I will drop you off this roof."
"That's not as effective as you'd think for getting rid of people you don't like. So, do you think he'd come teach a workshop at ISIS? Not that I need it, but-"
Jfc, his idea of a romantic dinner for two men would be excruciating. Erasure playing softly in the background, a vase of flowers + glow sticks. Poppers as apertifs.
God, I'm picturing Charles having no idea what poppers are, and Pam being like, "Well hell, we can fix that problem." So they're already flying by the time Erik gets there.
Archer: Hey, Lehnsherr, you owe me for that disco ball! I'm not getting my deposit back now! You try to do something nice for someone, Woodhouse, and this is what you get.
Woodhouse: Yes, sir.
Archer: Now all we've got is the strobe light, and what did I tell you-
Woodhouse: The strobe light is not enough, sir.
Archer: -the strobe light is not enough.
Charles: I'm not quite sure what just happened, but it certainly didn't go well at all.
Pam: Here, take another one. Just don't swallow or you'll die.
This ends with Lana and Ray drinking in the hot tub, throwing handfuls of wet petals over the side, trying to ignore the fact of/giving commentary on Charles and Pam totally off their brains on alkyl nitrites and doing it.
The rest of the poppers disappear. Who knows. Woodhouse doesn't have them, or anything.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-02-02 12:13 pm (UTC)*dying a lot*
God, I'm picturing Charles having no idea what poppers are, and Pam being like, "Well hell, we can fix that problem." So they're already flying by the time Erik gets there.
Ahahaha yesss.
Charles: Who has been hiding these from me all my life?
Archer: Probably that sister of his. Can you imagine what Xavier would be like if he was even easier?
Ray: Yeah, maybe he'd sleep with almost half as many people as your mother.
Archer: Ray, so help me, I am going to drown you in that hot tub and tell them you're a Real Doll. Wait. Do they make those for gay guys?
Ray: Yes. I mean how would I know? ...Yes.
Hey, Lehnsherr, you owe me for that disco ball!
Of course there was a disco ball.
I should be used to it your ear for dialogue by now, but I'm still impressed, Archer characters are so distinctive. I can even hear the Pam and Woodhouse lines in their voices :D
This ends with Lana and Ray drinking in the hot tub, throwing handfuls of wet petals over the side, trying to ignore the fact of/giving commentary on Charles and Pam totally off their brains on alkyl nitrites and doing it.
Ray: This is criminal. I thought I was signing up for a chance to watch Lehnsherr do him across the table.
Lana: Nooope. You should've known whatever Archer was trying to do, the opposite was going to happen. And it doesn't get much more opposite than this.
Ray: Oh, God, I can't look. She's gonna to put him on her lap and work him like a ventriloquist figure.
Lana: Yeah... you're going to want to keep busy with something else for a while. Why don't we put you in charge of clearing out that filter. And the champagne. Why don't we definitely put you in charge of the champagne.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-02-02 09:19 pm (UTC)Oh my actual god, I threw my head back and cackled for at least a minute.
I love that somehow there are like 1800 words of this ridiculousness. Eight people are going to think this is the best thing that ever happened anywhere. :D