FIFTY SHADES OF DRINKING, PART THE THIRD

[sabinetzin]

You wanted, here it is.

Time for another foray into EL James's work of great beauty, Fifty Shades of Grey. Please consult this tag for previous editions.

I will, as usual, be liveblogging this process in this entry. I will give you the same caveats as my co-conspirator coffeesuperhero:

Things I cannot promise you:

+ that I will be funny
+ that I will be sorry for doing this
+ that you will enjoy this in any way

Things I can promise you:

+ I will definitely think I'm funny
+ I will drink a lot

Finally, don't try this at home, kids. (I'm guessing that's going to be a general theme for the book, by the way.)

Let me make a promise to you as well, flist: In this entry, as the others, you will not find me mocking the readers of this "fine" novel. I will be placing blame where it should be placed: on the author, editors, publishers, and characters of this abomination before the Lord. That's also what I expect in the comments. Got it?

I would like to remind you as well that anything I put in "double quotes" is a direct quote from the book. Anything in 'single quotes' is me fucking around. You will think I am fucking around more than I am, trust me.

Also let me briefly recite the dramatis personae: The inestimable Christian Grey is played by Jonathan Crane, as played by Cillian Murphy, and Elliot, who I will continually refer to as Emmett because I can't remember his "no serial numbers" name, is played by Tom Hardy. Kate was briefly played by Gwyneth Paltrow, until this status was revoked, and all the blonde women in this novel are played by Cameron Diaz.

Let me be honest with you, DW. Since the last installment, I lost all the bookmarks on my ereader, so I don't really know where we stopped. It was page 200, but I'm not sure if this is one of those books were the resolution of my text matters, and my epub's not chaptered, so WE'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO JUMP IN WITH BOTH FEET.

I am off to mix my first drink. This is the classy drinking edition, so I will be starting with an experiment: the delicious Madness infused vodka I made, plus simple syrup, soda, and a little lime. Back directly with the latest news.

-Kobo hangs before I can even get started good, while am still looking for the right page. I know baby, it's not fair what I'm doing to you.

-Okay, after a lot of NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE from my Kobo, I think I'm in the right spot, based on what I have from last time. As a recap Ana just did, idk idr what she did and Jonathan Crane put her over his knee and spanked her. Now they're emailing back and forth again.

-There he goes with the "I am grateful for your inexperience" bullshit. Like seriously dude? Seriously?

-Girl did- this did not ACTUALLY happen shut the front DOOR, he just sent her an email entitled "You Didn't Call the Cops" all about how this was her choice and she didn't stop him.

Girl this part isn't even funny, let's get back to the bad sex.

-"And descriptive linguistics is a hard limit for me."

YOU DON'T EVEN GO HERE ANA, WE DON'T WANT YOU ANYWAY

-Kate, Kate, Katie-Kate, you crazy but you are the only person in this book who has A GODDAMNED LICK OF SENSE OH MY GOD I'M GLAD YOU HATE HIM TOO

"SHOUTY CAPITALS"
(Yes, that is in double quotes)

-Jose is back. It's been half a page and he hasn't badtouched anybody yet. All bets on how long it will take him before he does.

His badtouch, however, is being overshadowed by the "European art house embrace" going on between Kate and Emmett. Mother of my actual god why. WHY.

-Twice in two pages we've had the word "shall" instead of 'will'. Do not ask me why. Mostly so the writing can be stilted as possible.

-"seven shades of shit". Can we nominate this for the reissue title?

-I was going to say I couldn't believe they played 'you hang up'-'no you hang up!' but the saddest part of this book is that I can, I totally can.

The part that really gets me is sometimes I picture Edward Cullen saying stuff like this, and realize that this isn't even IC Twilight fanfic.

-[Ana, to Jonathan Crane's brother] "'Say hi to Christian from me.'

'Just hi?' His eyebrows shoot up suggestively."

...Precisely what are you willing to do to your brother, man?

-Okay, this is exactly what typifies this whole book:

So Ana and Kate move into this new, totally expensive apartment, and Christian sends them a housewarming present: "a bottle of champagne with a helicopter-shaped balloon attached."

It's that type of shit that's so weird about this, the totally juvenile shit attached to the 'classy' stuff. I KNOW EL James isn't 16 years old. I know that for a FACT. But I kind of feel sad for her.

-THE RETURN OF THE SUBCONSCIOUS, LADIES AND SMIZMARS. Now she's a "harpy". Lawd.

-AND NOW THE INNER GODDESS, ALL OUR OLD FRIENDS, BRING IT IN FOR A HUG

SHOUTY CAPITALS

-"roaming the aisles of Agent Provocateur"

Pretty sure she has no real idea of what Agent Provocateur is or looks like.

-FLAG ON THE PLAY, COMMA SPLICE, LOSS OF DOWN

-"'Ready for some contraception?'"

Okay maybe it's the vodka- the vodka is helping, it's Loki vodka, after all- but I busted out laughing. I just hear it in my head with a :D face and god it is too much.

-ANOTHER IMMACULATE BLONDE

WELCOME BACK, MS. DIAZ

SHOUTY CAPITALS

-MOTHER OF GOD FINALLY AFTER 213 PAGES SHE FUCKING ATE SOMETHING

SHOUTY CAPITALS

-That was the worst payoff. There's this build up to him, like, tearing this hot dress off her, and in the end he just kinda... takes it off and folds it and puts it aside.

Pfft. Step up your game, Jonathan Crane.

-There's, like, this standard female sub pose that's in every. single. fucking. fanfic. and it has reared its head here as well. It could be because I do mostly S/M and not D/s, but I have never found this in the wild. IDK, man.

-Oh my god he has some kind of complicated system where he can hook her into the ceiling and lead her across the room on rails, but it's "like a subway map."

AHAHAHA HE HAS BONDAGE BUMPER CARS, OH MY GOD

LAUGHY CAPITALS

-"fifty shades of fucked-up", that's what the cover blurb should say.

-ENOUGH WITH THE GODDAMN NAVEL KINK

SQUICKY CAPITALS

-Blah blah blah I guess this part isn't as bad as the other sex. It's just fucking silly. If you get off from a couple swats to the clit from a crop, wish I were you, because you'd get off in a strong wind.

-"jeez"

SO WE MEET AGAIN

NEMESIS CAPITALS

-God she is SO fucking boring. Like, this isn't the ninjas, I'm not expecting you to get off twenty-seven fucking times, but really? Two orgasms and you're down for the count? Dude you've been scening for like fifteen minutes max. Get over yourself.

Then again, I have this problem IRL, you see, because my top is infamous for playing very hard- and long may she reign. And so people come in and they're screaming over a few swats to the ass, and I'm like, dude seriously you need to fucking man up. But, indeed, I am the one who needs to calm down, because if that's what gets you off, literally or figuratively, that's all you need.

So we all need a little understanding, is what I'm saying. Except that this is a book about the DOMLIEST TWOO DOMINATE and he seriously needs to step it up.

BORED CAPITALS

-Can we decide if it's "gray" or "grey" in narration, please and thank you? Remember, children, it's grEy in England and grAy in America. Look how simple that is.

ILLUSTRATIVE CAPITALS

-Blah blah blah so they're going to meet his parents and having this passive-aggressive silent argument over underwear, I shit you not. She's decided having dinner with your dude's parents in no panties is the better part of valor. IDK, man.

-WHERE ARE MY CRACKERS

HUNGRY CAPITALS

-THEY WERE UNDER MY FOOT

ABSENTMINDED CAPITALS

-Okay. It's page 226 and I need another drink. A Hendrick's and tonic this time, I think. I think I even have more cucumber.

Back. I decided, while I was still sober enough to work a muddler and a knife, to make myself a Hendrick's and cucumber instead. This delicious concoction is very similar to a mojito, only with Hendrick's gin and, y'know. Cucumber. Oooh I have everything to make a mojito too, maybe that should be next on the list. God knows I'll need it.

Also I might break into my graze box for a little snack. This is all WAY more interesting than the book right now, I guaranDAMNtee you.

-His dad's name is Carrick. Baby you didn't even try not to name him Carlisle, did you. W/e Peter Facinelli is a fine, FINE-ass man, so Carrick's name is Carlisle now. DEAL WITH IT.

-Mmmm, Cookies and Cream from graze is so far a winner. You wouldn't think the sunflower seeds in it would work? But they provide a nice balance. I dig it.

-Mia, are we sure she's not twelve? If she thinks this is how a girl Ana's age acts, a LOT is explained.

-"Why is [Kate] so antagonistic towards him? What is her problem?"

HER PROBLEM IS YOU CRAZY AND HE CRAZY AND I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE AGREED TO LIVE WITH YOUR CRAZY ASS

CAPITALS OF REASON

-"her long mascara'd lashes"

Your internet vernacular is showing, bb.

-I seriously can't get enough of these hazelnuts, goddamn. This is going on the love list.

-"what it must be like to grow up with both one's parents in situ."

...Like, from context I think she meant 'with both one's parents together and with her' but that is NOT what that means.

-Tutti Frutti next. Have I mentioned I really love graze? It's a little treat every week.

Lord we're only at 230 now I'm the one who has to step up her game.

-Since Birdemic I will NEVER take the words 'solar panels' seriously EVER again.

-Anastasia. Baby. Dearheart. Go to Georgia and don't never come back.

Also not a fan of Tutti Frutti. Thought I took everything with raisins out. Bleh. Now some Ritz crackers.

-Yes bb we know condoms come in "foil packets" you can find some synonyms.

-One of the worst problems with this book is how fucking BORING it is. Jesus.

-KNOTTING THE CONDOM END WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT THIS AND HOW WE DON'T UNDERSTAND IIT

PERPLEXED CAPITALS

Also ew he stuck it in his pocket (which makes sense for the knotting anyway (A/B/O has taught me to shudder every time I hear the word knotting)). He could at least, idk, wrap it up in her panties (which are also in his pocket if you are keeping score) or something. That would be less gross.

-I think Jonathan Crane kind of has a thing for his mom, which officially ain't right. Though I feel like he might be adopted? Which doesn't make it any better.

-Eheheheheh, Jonathan Crane the dark knight again. That never gets old.

-Oh my god under her influence Jonathan Crane has become six years old. Look either he's a giggly boy or he's Alec D'urberville and you needed to decide which the fuck one. He can have moments of humor but these are WILD FUCKING MOOD SWINGS.

UNSTABLE CAPITALS

-Man, her subconscious needs to seriously back the fuck up. I'm actually glad Ana's not listening to her, because that is some serious internalized... something. Idk what do you call it when her subconscious is blaming her for- like victim blaming, her subconscious is victim blaming her.

Ugh.

-This is uncovering some kind of shared-toothbrush squick that I didn't know I had. Jesus you knew bitch was coming buy her her own damn toothbrush what's wrong with you.

-"My inner goddess is doing the dance of the seven veils."

Good lands a-livin' I could go my whole life not hearing about the inner goddess again and die a happy woman.

Alas, it is not to be.

-And out come the ben wa balls. At least we have some points for ingenuity here.

-"Foil packet" count: one billionty

-Not much to say about this part; if it were not encased in this opus of fail it would be pretty hot. But why does everybody "peel" everybody out of clothes all the time?

Kate's not gonna want her dress back.

-There is something deeply odd about Christian's revelation that his birth mother was "a crack-whore". For starters, I don't think that word has a hyphen in it. Two, that seems like such an odd way to say it.

-Blah blah blah just nothing but fucking all the time, this is so BORING.

I really, really hope my porn isn't this boring. That people don't read it and go MY GRACIOUS all the time.

INCENSED CAPITALS

-"Mr. J. Hyde of Seattle Independent Publishing"

I c wut u did thar. Mostly because it wasn't very clever.

-What, precisely, is a "bohemian, floaty look"?

-Does Ana actually own any clothes, or does she just wear Kate's? Like she used Kate's iTunes? (It's a call-back bb go look)

-Oh lord, Jekyll Hyde is going to hit on her, isn't he? I can see that shit coming from a mile away.

-Kate knows what's up. Kate is aware that this shit is unhealthy. LISTEN TO KATE FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK

CAPITALS FOR KATE

-Unintentional break there, as I got distracted and stopped giving a fuck. Tell you what, DW. We're gonna take this on through to page 70, which is half of what remained when I started, and then call it a night. Deal? Deal.

-"'That'll be the sexing!'"

NGL I read this as if the doorbell had just rung, and this was the announcement. 'Is that the pizza?' 'No, that'll be the sexing!' 'Damn. I swear it's been more than thirty minutes on that pizza.'

-FLAG ON THE PLAY, USE OF "HOLIDAY" FOR 'VACATION', FIFTEEN YARD PENALTY

FOOTBALL CAPITALS

-Oh fucking not with Tess again, Tess never fucking asked for this, that's kind of THE POINT OF THE FUCKING BOOK, that she was trapped against her will and had all kinds of a bad time until a dude who was ACTUALLY named ANGEL came to her rescue- for a while, but it turns out that the message of that novel is that all men are pricks.

That's what I read, anyway.

-Should I get a pizza? I really want a pizza.

-FLAG ON THE PLAY, USE OF THE WORD "RUCKSACK" AT ALL, FIFTEEN YARD PENALTY

METAPHORICAL CAPITALS

-"I gaze at my mom. She is on her fourth marriage. Maybe she does know something about men after all."

...I don't want to be a bitch or anything, but that would suggest to me that there might be some things she doesn't know about men.

-"I apologize for frightening you. I find the though of instilling fear in you abhorrent."

I cackled, personally.

-Blah blah blah BLAH oh my GOD Jonathan Crane nobody wants to read your TL;DR emails! Shut up!

-"And I'd never beat you black and blue. I am for pink."

Dude at pink you are BARELY getting started. At least shoot for red, dude. Grow a pair, Mr. Dominate.

-GIVE KATE'S CLOTHES BACK OH MY GOD CAN'T YOU EVEN GO TO THE GOODWILL OR SOMETHING

THRIFTY CAPITALS

-"Christian being beaten by someone as old as my mother, it's just so wrong."

Dude, my top is old enough to be my mother, and we get along just fine. Get the fuck over yourself.

And at page 271, my children, THAT is as much as I can take of this fucking book. Christ on his throne. I had a drink and a half, but I need SO many more.

God almighty.

Comments

[bendingwind]

"European art house embrace"

This google search was not as productive as I had hoped

:|

[anatsuno]

What's the European art house embrace supposed to BE? *baffled*
and and what's that standard female sub pose? inquiring minds etc.

[sabinetzin]

Y'know, it's the one where she's on her knees, sitting back on her heels, knees spread, forearms flat on thighs. Never hands behind her back, never knees together. Always that.

[anatsuno]

oooh I've actually not come across that so much (but then I don't read het romance) - except maybe in O? and Anne Rice's whatnot? so basically in all the mainstream het porn I've read, ha.

[amberfox]

::attempts:: Nope, I can't do that. My arms aren't long enough to put my forearms on my thighs. And hands-behind-the-back is a classic! Out of the way, plus it makes your chest stick out a little for most people. Unless you're working with a whip or flogger (mmm, floggers), it's just practical.

[bendingwind]

That is either... an extremely awkward position or I am thinking about it wrong?

[sabinetzin]

Now I have a perverse urge to try it out and take pictures.

[bendingwind]

...

I am tipsy and not objecting???

[bendingwind]

I swear I have never intoned the words "MY GRACIOUS" while reading your porn.

[sabinetzin]

I am glad of that, bb.

[queenbarwench]

-What, precisely, is a "bohemian, floaty look"?

Oh, oh, I can actually answer that one! I believe it is a retro-hippie look, with lots of thin layers and faux-tattered hems on the skirts. I think it's supposed to represent 'impoverished artist', or some such thing. It can be spotted around Carnaby St, Camden market and, 10 years ago, Islington. I have never seen it outside of London. When I was 12, I thought it was really cool o.O

[bironic]

LOLOL forever. I have been coming back to read your updates as I read more of the book this week/end and I agree with so so much of what you call out. Carrick, used condom in pocket, J Hyde, clothes peeling, boringness, oh God. Also I swear Christian Grey had a Hendrick's and cucumber right after you did and I laughed.

[bironic]

Oh also I think your e-book had a different editor (ha. "editor") than my paperback, because I don't recall seeing some of the Briticisms/Britishisms. But there was definitely a reference to Ana taking off her SANDLES so it's not like anyone did a good job.

[sabinetzin]

My ebook fell off the back of a truck? So I have no idea what edition it is. I just know they are all very terrible.